Catching up

The Sonshine told me this
One day long ago:
"Mama. You have to be your most important person to yourself."

He was little and so fucking wise.
I am swearing today.
The grief I carry is currently masked by anger.
(Anger is so useful for getting things done)

Sigh. But I
Don't know
What is so
the matter.

Too many flames being juggled in the air
So many people I have to take care
of.

And me? I give myself morsels and crumbs at best
Difficult to cook a healthy meal
Unless there is someone else to feed.

Self-care! Self-care! Shout it from the mountain tops!
What a flop, there are no drops left in me
to spare. How can I care for myself when I have nothing left to give?

Edges and edges and ropes with no ends.
I break and break more wondering how I might bend
these old destructive patterns into something bright and new!

Maybe it is less about something I must do...
And more about saying: "I choose not to do that."
This or that thing. Taking off one or two hats
The ones that never quite fit right
The ones that caused too many big fights

Internal battles between the disjointed crew...
My inner Helpers with expressions askew:
"Why is she wearing that again?
Didn't she learn from the last time when
We pretended to be something other than True?"

Colours and hues
And darkest shades of Blue
I know the depths well
Only time will tell
If I am brave enough to be

The very most important person to Me.