The journey continues

I am in my office at school, supposedly writing a paper. I am a scholar. You see, I had my Vedic Astrology chart read by Paddi Moore(Paddi's blog). She said that I am a scholar, that I have been studying for many lifetimes. When she asked what it is that I do I told her, with a nervous, insecure laugh, that I am doing a PhD in French literature. Paddi doesn't miss much. My insecure laugh along with my chart confirmed that I don't value myself, I don't love myself enough, I could improve my self-worth. I've been intending to LOVE myself for awhile now (see LOVE is my intention post for how I dedicated my entire 200hr SATTVA training to loving myself). I'm making progress, but there's work to be done. She asked me to imagine what the world would be like if knowledge and wisdom were highly valued, valued even more than money. I thought to myself, "I would be a Queen in that world." I am wise (even writing that makes me cringe at the idea someone might judge me for being conceited-I do that too much. Worry about what others think. Try to please them somehow. Awkward and uncomfortable. Seldom resting into my authentic self). But I am wise. I walk into this amazing Old Arts building on the UofA campus most days, passing below the sculpted owl who reads a book as I heave open the heavy wooden doors. Owls. Wisdom. The owl that flew towards me in my meditation once.Wisdom and knowledge.

So I am working on finding value in me. I have already noted that nothing I ever do is good enough for me but I am going to stop being so self-critical and begin giving myself credit for the wonderfulness that is me. Rumi reminds me: "I remind you with these poems to dress in the flower of God's qualities, not your torn robe of self-accusation" (The Glance, 21). I want to take that robe off. I am also, according to my chart, highly spiritual and highly empathetic/sensitive/psychic. I am a nurturer. I care. We didn't get too far into the chart, actually. Much damage control to deal with. It's hard, mourning the loss of love for one's own self. Why can't I just love myself? How will I learn? More than anything I need to learn this, for Xavier. So he can grow up with a mother who truly loves herself, who has a strong sense of self-worth. How else we he believe in his own worth?

I decided to dance and be joyous as I dressed myself this morning. I was having fun but as I caught a glimpse of my body in the mirror I heard the all too familiar judgmental thoughts, mean cruel thoughts to myself about myself. I stood up for myself this time, stating things like, "Hey! That's not nice. Don't think that. I am beautiful, no matter what I say." Xavier and Meshon must have heard me. Meshon asked, "Are you arguing with someone?"
"With myself." I replied.
"What did yourself do to you mama?" My darling Xavier, so sweet.
"Myself was being mean to me." So I will work to silence the mean, judgmental self inhabiting my mind.

I share this perhaps too personal post because, I fear I am not alone in this. Self-loathing. A feeling of worthlessness. We end up living half-lives. I want to love myself enough to dream big, to live a huge and full life! I want to undress myself from this robe of self-accusation and self-judgment. If you feel the need to get naked, please get naked with me ;)

And finally, a poem from Rumi to inspire and enlighten:

Undressing
Learn the alchemy true human beings
know: the moment you accept what

troubles you've been given, the door
will open. Welcome difficulty

as a familiar comrade. Joke with
torment brought by the Friend.

Sorrows are the rags of old clothes
and jackets that serve to cover,

then are taken off. That undressing,
and the naked body underneath, is

the sweetness that comes after grief. (65)