On Grace

I’ve done it again! Decided to embark upon a 30 day meditation challenge. This one started on the new moon of November 29^th, my birthday! I remember this blissful 30 days of feeling good during my pregnancy. The rest of the time was hell (lol) or not. Memory is such a fickle faculty. Point being, meditation is my medicine. My solace. My saviour, even. I know that and still, I sometimes fall back into patterns of resistance.

Natalie Rousseau has developed these 30 day Illumination Meditations. I love that she asks only for a 5 minute commitment each day. And I love that the facebook group provides excellent support, inspiration and daily reminders! Five minutes I can do! I have a 6-month old baby this time so I have meditated in the car while he sleeps, with him breastfeeding and even once while he played on the floor. So! You have no excuse. You too can find five minutes. But this blog is not about convincing you to meditate. It’s about: Grace.

Each 30 day begins with energizing on and choosing a sankalpa or an intention. What qualities do you want to manifest in your life? In your heart and mind and soul. For me: Love, Ease and Grace. As I sat in stillness gently repeating these words, filling my internal, eternal space with the echoes of what they symbolize, I had to recalibrate to what “grace” means. What does it mean to me? How do I embody the quality? Or, more bluntly: What the fuck is Grace anyways?

A long pause. As I write I try to recollect the understanding that came to me as I meditated. Almost intangible. How to express in words? Saying “grace” before eating, moving “gracefully,” the “grace” of God. Graçias. Graçias Madre. Graçias por la vida. Thank you Mother for supporting, nourishing and giving Life. All these “graces” evoke something but still…if I decided that I want to manifest more “grace” in my life, I had better consider what that means to me.

As I sat in meditation trying to integrate “grace” without really understanding what that would even be, the over-standing began to unravel. Grace is greeting all that comes into my life with acceptance and Faith. With a knowing that I can surrender my ideals of believing I know what is best and simply trust in what IS. Grace is non-resistance to what IS. And more than non-resistance, grace is the embrace of all that is. Graçias. Thank you. Grace is being genuinely thankful for the opportunity to grow and evolve. It joins hands with openness and awareness and skips gleefully along the treed avenues while the Sun begins to descend, creating that golden saturation that always jolts me into stillness as my mind cries out: “Look at this Light!” Non-judgemental and complete acceptance of that which is hurled your way by a sometimes seemingly vicious Universe. No. Not vicious. I know that the Universe does have my back. And, with grace, I give thanks for all that greets me. Meeting all that comes my way with a gentle edge, absorbing the lessons, the love, the heartache, the pain, the madness, the frailty, the joy. Thank you. Thank you for everything. I dance the dance of Grace when I embrace this journey with my whole heart. And soul. And mind. A deep inner mind that knows. All truly is exactly as it needs to be. Grace then, grace can set us Free.

"a Love letter" to the Self

"a Love letter"

She reads book titles like Tarot

Sucking every last ounce of marrow

From the shattered bones of meaning

Gleaning seeming but screaming symbols

From All that the perceiver perceives.

But see?

Does She?

If Perception is King

Where is the Queen?

Emotion? Intuition? Vibrations unseen?

Through books and breaths

Squandered looks and rests

Resting Here.

Running There.

Making circles out of squares

Squashing and carving and whittling pegs

Forcing control.

Holding on, being dragged.

Fearing surrender, denying release.

Fix it right! What is ease?

Please!

Please.

Please…

Let go this time. Unhand the banks.

The river runs free.

Give thanks.

Give thanks.

“The Universe has your back”

But the Fault in our Stars

Is what it is

But isn’t ours

Isn’t ours…

Hours and hours.

Measured and bought.

Recorded. Transported.

Afforded or not.

Some wasted. Some spent.

The mind is what lent

All the mechanized compartments

To the Heart, who doesn’t want them.

Before Time. Before Space.

There was Your face.

It’s still here now

I suppose it won’t go

Even though…

I fear losing You

More than I dare know.

And yet, this I wish:

Please be free!

Please laugh and please grow.

Your freedom is mine too

So let us dance in the snow

As it melts beneath bare feet

Meet

Me!

Right here. Where I’m at.

I truly am all that!

And a bag a chips and some chocolate and a cherry on top of it!

Faith. Trust the Love.

Certainty dwindles and fades.

I write in search

That I might find a way

Looking here. Looking there.

Realizing that until I dare:

Look within.

Long, and without chagrin

With Love and Curiosity

With Joy and Luminosity

The key? To be free

The answer? To me:

Not in book titles

Nor in Tarot

Not in the songs of the Sparrow…

Maybe that is not so

Nature does let me know

All that we seek is already

Rhythmic beating and so steady

Always was. Always will.

Self-acceptance. Surrender.

What is left can’t be killed.

Can not die.

Knows not Time.

Moves amidst space but does not wear a face.

Nameless.

Timeless.

Spaceless.

Even…Divine-less.

Forget about remembering what was inevitably forgot!

Instead: simply dance. Don’t stop the music.

And laugh a whole lot.

First Date!

I had the most amazing experience playing The Wish Game with the help and guidance of a radiant and so filled with Love dear friend of mine, Kathryn. It was an incredible learning and loving experience. Many seeds were planted, many veils lifted, many intentions set. But most pressing of all: the glorious work of developing self-love and self-acceptance.

One of the three tangible homeworks that I had was to take myself on a date! Treat myself the way I would wish to be treated. Talk to myself the way I would wish to be spoken to. Of course, I have a Terran for a baby, so he came along. I totally accept that I come with kids so we were all good on that front!

I decided I'd like to take myself on a lunch date to the Muttart. I chose a day. Thursday. I even went shopping and bought myself new jeans and a new coat! But, as Wednesday night rolled around I started hearing a voice that whispered: "You're being silly. A date with yourself? Won't accomplish anything." And other whisperings too, sometimes louder, sometimes faint. All trying to sabotage my plans for self-love. But I was adamant. I had promised. And Kathryn wants to hear about this date.

Wake up Thursday morning. Kind of excited. Kind of nervous. Kind of trying to neglect actually getting "ready" as one would for a real date. But still, I pushed past the voices, picked out an outfit, put on as much make-up as I own and even made a little braid in my hair.

Mirror Selfie Game: Ready to Go!

I got into the car about 5 minutes later than I had planned. I looked in the rearview mirror and apologized for being late. It was kind of awkward, but I forgave myself. And off we went. I suggested that I listen to an audiobook but then realized I hadn't actually downloaded it. Once I arrived at the Muttart I decided to stroll the grounds for a bit first so that I could visit some old friends: trees! 

Me and a Tree Friend I Had Sat In Circa 2 years Ago

I love trees a lot. I go to them for healing. For advice. And for love. In truth, I trust trees and learn unconditional love from them. I have never once doubted that the trees I relate with love me. That feels good to me. My dear friend Cindy texted me. I know I shouldn't text on dates but I quickly answered her. Then! I found a bee hotel! One of her passions is to save bees so it was all very synchronistic!

Me and the Bee Hotel

Then I felt the urge to walk back towards the parking lot. I noticed a tall tree. Magnificent and beautiful standing alone on the meridian. She beckoned me come nearer. I followed. Then saw the sweetest little lone heart shaped leaf growing from her trunk. Unassuming and so beautiful. A message of Love. You grow it yourself!

Heart Leaf

Heart Leaf and Me

I walked towards the pyramids. As I interacted with nature I told myself things like: "I love how you reach out and touch the living world around you." It felt a little forced but I do really love that about me: how much I embrace Mother Earth.

Touching the Husks

The more I got into this selfie thing though, the more I started negative self talk. Looking at photos. Deleting them. "This coat isn't really that nice." Wrinkles. Imperfections. Narcissistic. All things I said to myself on my date. Not so nice. But still, heart open I continued along.

Look Up; Open Your Heart

The pyramids were filled with life! As always, I have this mixed feeling of enjoying the plants and feeling like they are in glass jails. I began almost hurrying along, wondering when I could end my date. Sort of having fun. Sort of feeling like a ridiculous person. Worrying what people thought I was doing taking selfies; fearing their judgement...which is just my judgement. My inner asshole. Then I saw this sculpture: a reminder that my purpose on this self-love journey is really because I want real human partner love. It's hard for me to admit that. I never used to actually admit that I wanted that. I do. 

"The Proposal" and Me

Terran had fallen asleep. Time for lunch. I briefly thought about cheaping out and not buying myself lunch. But I was hungry. I got out my journal prepared to write about how I had been too busy taking selfies to even be present with myself...that I had failed my First Date with myself. But then I heard a voice say: "That's not true! You had so many magical moments. Wonderful and joyful moments." I ate my lunch and enjoyed each bite. Even had dessert! I learned many things about how I treat myself. About how I make unattainable standards for myself. And, I am proud that I can see a little more of the work I have to do. Loving me. So I can love You.

Terran and His Hugs and Kisses Pants