Lead me dear Truth, to the Heart of What's Real

Familiar feeling. Stuck energy attempting to rise. Tears threatening to release. Mind desperately seeking distractions: coffee, food, public spaces. But the need to release is overpowering even my most time-tested numbing techniques. "Maybe I just burst into tears right here? Right now..."

Write. Now.

Where is True? Dear Truth, I do love you.
So where, oh please where, can I find you?

Inside me? Remind me. Please.
How do I unwind Thee?
From twisted self-trickery.
From neural pathways looped incessantly.
Survive. Belong. Be liked. Be strong.

Yet some fractions of moments
Of stillness and knowing.
I must be my worst enemy.
Which way am I flowing?

Moksha? Or imprisonment?
The choice is always mine to make.
While the complex layers of persona at stake
Preach fear with the temptation of a biblical snake.

My deepest fear: Alone. Pain and grief.
And this deeply engrained, harmful belief
Well I make it come true...

What is it, actually, that I truly fear?
"Stay away. Don't come near!
Leave me alone. I won't stay!"
Every fibre of my being, when approached close enough
Terrified and shut tight. Scaled, hardened and rough.

And they know that somehow
I might lie to myself now
Still attracting those who can't
Wounded soldiers that shan't
Let me in either.

Wounds upon wounds
Damaged minds wired all wrong
But psychic and magic and so fucking strong

Mind-tricks rage against the Self
Inner Being collecting dust on an abandoned heart shelf

Calcified heart.
I can almost smell damp lichen covered rocks
Layered in a crust that when shocked
Shocked by Truth. By Light. By unconditional Love
Does crack just a little
Some shards fall aside
Releasing buried pain that for lifetimes did hide.

Love me! JUST LOVE ME! Will somebody...love me?

This raging voice stuck inside. The cries that it cries. So loud. So intense.
Not subtle or true...
Love me, oh love me, they did and they do.
Deeply and truly
sometimes painful and cruelly.

Heal myself. I know how.
Maybe it will take ten more somethings from now.

I commit to loving Truth.
And so all is revealed.

Love is always right here. And always right now.
So near. So intimately dear...
That I can't seem to notice (maybe I know not yet how?)
Softly. So softly. I am beginning to hear
Gentle sweet whispers. Sounds in my ear...

"You are Ok. You are perfect. You are Beauty and Joy.
You are the Nothing that keeps dancing.
Forever and for always. To make. And to destroy."

Sometimes it is hard to believe in the good things coming

Dreams last night. Wild. From a still point I catapulted, body and soul, up like a rocket. Bursting through the atmosphere. Beyond the protective layer that encircles Great Mother. Terrifying and exhilarating. Is that what it feels to be free?

Ego. Personality. Layers of selves piled upon for safety. For attempts at belonging. For dull, numbing half-aliveness. I thank you dear personas, for all your hard work. Mind too. Thank you. You have tried so hard for me. To create safety and peace. I gave you an impossible task and I am sorry.

This morning, emotions rising. Anger. Pain. Grief. Pressing my forehead against the chilly window pane. Breath and tears adding damp fog to the obfuscation already clouding my view. Yet I see. I see. I watch...releasing the pain of a thousand years. Little by little. Let it flow. Let it flow.

The witness in me. The impersonal Is-ness is sitting more and more steadily. Ever-present, I forget less and less. Who I am. I AM. Emotions come. Pain is processed as my physiology interacts with the energetic forces. I cry. I ache. I collapse. I dance. I laugh. I cry. I dance the dance of being so Being Itself can witness pure wild potential made manifest.

And it is ok. Ok...yes. But...it is not ok too. Nahko's "Love Letters to God" plays on YouTube. The one that shows powerful, beautiful, painful heart wrenching images and scenes from Standing Rock.

My heart breaks. Deeper and deeper the cracks shatter the hardened crust I have built around myself. Tears flow. Xavier is near. I look at him. I know that it is important to release and to cry. I know it is healthy to sit calmly in the depths of inner stillness knowing all is ok while emotions move through. But that is not enough! Not enough in this insane world we are living in; a world where our very lifeblood, our rivers, our lakes, our ecosystems...they must be honoured as sacred once again. I believe in the good things coming. I have to. My babies are SO magical and pure. You are sacred. I am sacred. All of life is sacred. This shall be remembered. And so it is.

I am a warrior. Like Nahko, I think words must be my weapons. I don't yet know how they will fly. But I know that I have to start somewhere. Sometimes silence. But not in the face of today. Here. Now. I am writing. Expressing. And manifesting healing in myself. And others. For the highest good of all.