Days of no internet connection...one two, skip a few

Tuesday, February 14^th

“What is Love?...

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.” These lyrics don't really apply, do they? We do hurt the people we love sometimes; often without even knowing it. Maybe these lyrics make more sense if we're talking about self-love. That I could believe. Because truly and deeply, the only person that can hurt you, is you. (I mean this in the most highly and for most of us unachievably enlightened sense). But it makes sense. If you are kind to yourself and if you recognize that all action, thoughts and words, your own and those of other people, are just illusion (maya) then how could we be hurt by them? If you fully and wholly acknowledge and embrace the Self as the unshakable, untouchable, ever-knowing and blissful aspect within all of life (including you) then nothing can hurt you! Nothing! I don't know if I'll ever get to the point of being unhurtable. For now I am feeling loved, blessed, fed and sleepy.

THREE DAYS GO BY...

Saturday, February 18^th

Parenting 101: perhaps I should have gone

A very wise lady told me something another wise lady had told her about parenting. She said, “I just tell my kids that I did my best and if I screwed up, well there's always therapy.” We all want what's best for our kids, no doubt. And, inevitably, we all do things that have unintended consequences.

Today my brother was giving me the low down on how I should be raising Xavier. And here's the thing, we didn't get into an argument, we didn't end up fighting and he gave me some pretty solid advice (especially about how to set up an effective time-out). And at least he is saying to my face what it seems like the rest of my family is only hinting at: I don't discipline Xavier properly. I coddle him, indulge him. The thing is, it's pretty much true. Meshon and I never laid out a consistent plan for discipline. For the most part he hasn't needed a lot of discipline. He's a nice kid. But lately he has been getting really frustrated and then lashing out, often violently. This happens more if we destabilize him by changing his surroundings. In short, he demands more control if we move him around (we're at my parents' place taking care of the dogs while they're away–he's been scratching me). In short, I'm going to get some books and make a consistent plan. I'd love to hear any advice you have to give about which books are useful or anything at all. You see, if it takes a village to raise a child, then the conversation aspect of the village we live in is in part an online village. If you notice me doing something that you feel is ineffective or just bad parenting, you can tell me. Please do. I might not totally agree with you but I won't get angry and I will certainly consider and learn from what you have to say.

Sunday, February 19^th

Bugs don't bug me...yes they do.

I feel kind of yucky today. Little headache, little upset stomach and generally tired and weak. I also think I'm slightly allergic to the puppers but I'm trying not to admit this to myself. Xavier is also a little extra black under the eyes. Could be a head cold. Dad had one and so did Aunty Melissa and Uncle Booloo. In short, I don't feel very inspired or inspiring. I feel lazy. A hot bath with eucalyptus would feel nice and do me some good, I'm sure. But I might be too lazy even to draw a bath!

A post for yesterday!

I missed one again. Oh yesterday. You didn't leave me any time for bloggering. Silly yesterday. But we had a nice time with you, visiting family and friends. You were sunny. Today is also sunny. Once tomorrow comes, yesterday will still be sunny...but I don't know how long this pattern will apply.

Some languages have more or less words that describe time. For example, the word "zeg" (Georgian) means the day after tomorrow http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/102722. But then again, if time is maya (illusion) then maybe the more we talk about time the more we struggle to live in the present, in the now.

Stream of Consciousness (or unconcsiousness ;)

Typing. Thoughts that come. Awareness. Fingers hurt. Stop chewing. Sensations first. Dry throat. The bad ones, I feel them. Search for the good. Hmmmmm? Not there. Low back aches a little. Getting stronger. Is the body feeling good simply the absence of pain? Maybe. Though touch feels good...massage and such;) So. Where to now?

Thinking. If I think about thinking then the thinkings don't come. What will I think next? The park. Xavier wants to go to a park. Dreams about parks, he does. Sleeping in the car yesterday, he awakes and yells, "NO!!! Go the OTHER way! I want to go back to the park!" Dear child. Dear sattvic and rajic child. So blessed I am.

Inhale shortly. Exhale hugely, loudly. Buzzing in my head...reeeoreeoreeeoreeeoreeeoreeo. Why? People are thinking of me, talking about me...nope. Too much sugar and bread. Bad for the sinuses. Make it stop now. It won't. Hey! It did, a little. Or at least it changed a bit. I fixed a typo. That's not allowed in stream of consciousness. Actually, I don't know if punctuation is allowed. But who makes these rules, really? Silly. Writing is creating is without rules or it should be. But to some extent one needs to be undserstood. Though are we ever, truly, understood? What would that even mean? People say, "Ahhh yes. I know what you mean." Do you? Cuz I don't even know what I mean much of the time. Or I mean differently than I'm understood. True speech. Speak Truth. How? Hmmm? Maybe without using words is best.

Heading Back to Saskatoon

Saskatoon. I remember coming to Saskatoon as a teenager and it seemed so huge! Now I appreciate it's perfect size. We live in Edmonton now. It is huge and silly. Saskatoon is just right. It's a goldilocks city. I didn't know that before. You have to leave it to appreciate it, it seems. Charles Hamilton feels the same way. Here's his brilliant piece:

I saw him perform at the small stage at Ness Creek a couple of years ago. Magpie Ulysses was there too. One day I want to try speaking words. True words. Good words. Words that move and inspire and that bring love and peace.

Waking up to dirty dishes...

Today has been a series of negative emotions, thoughts and actions. Today sucks. And I am sofa king tired today. Blasted. Whaddya do? Nothing. There's nothing wrong, even. Just a day wherein I failed to see the beauty and wonder and saw instead the shitty stuff.

One thing I know is that I woke up and eventually started wondering what to make for breakfast (I may have a food obsession to deal with–food rules my life and I want that to change). Anyway, I knew we had some browning bananas in the fruit bowl (I thought we had 3 or 4). I made some awesome blueberry banana muffins the other day (recipe found here: http://www.thesweetslife.com/2010/07/banana-blueberry-oatmeal-muffins.html ). I was going to make them again! So I came downstairs and saw a sink full of dirty dishes. Blech. I didn't even notice them when I got home from V-ball last night. I hate waking up to dirty dishes. And now I had to wash them before I began making delicious muffins. Hmmmph. So I wash them. Now it's time for muffins. Shit. There are only 2 bananas left (well 2 and the chunk Xavier hasn't finished yet). So do I half the recipe? Yes. That's what I'll do. Ok so I go to get the yogourt from the fridge. There is no yogourt? There is no yogourt. When? Who? (I think I ate it, actually). I might as well just find a whole new recipe. The new recipe I find is lame and boring. The muffins taste ok but aren't nearly as moist and hearty as the recipe I was dreaming of. Ahhhhh. Such is life.

The rest of the day progressed in such a way where everything just kind of went south or sour or whatever the saying is. So, here's to hoping tomorrow is sweet and north, I guess. And that I have better perspective. I think a good sleep should help with that perspective stuff.

A Competitive Nature

So you think being competitive is nature or is it nurture? It certainly runs in my family but that could still be nurture. My dad doesn't even let us win games when we play against him (you know how parents sometimes let their kids win on purpose so they feel happy? Nope. Not my dad). It's not that I'm a sore loser. Not at all. Especially not when everybody plays their best. But as my Grandma once said, "Of course I would rather win." She was great at cards and carpet bowling (even though she was legally blind).

Now. What does it mean to play one's best? I haven't played a competitive sport for quite some time and tonight I filled in playing volleyball in a rec league. I had so much fun. It has been awhile but I limbered up pretty quickly. And, if the ball is even remotely playable (and often when it's seemingly unplayable) I try to get it. I dive and run and do intense back–bends. I crash. I fall. I try my best. This led one guy to state that he thought I was on drugs. It's not drugs though. We didn't win but we had fun.

Some people were certainly less into trying like crazy. Is it because they think they can't get to the ball? Or is it because they're afraid they'll look silly trying so hard? The decision that goes through the mind when a person thinks, "Nah. I'll never get that one." As compared to, "If I don't try I'll never know if I could have got that one and just maybe just maybe I can get it!"

So anyway. I'm competitive. Did nature make me this way or is it learned behavior? Hmmm...

wakin' up grumpy

I don't want to write anything. Not at all. I want to wallow in self-pity and be grumpy. I'll meditate before bed though. I had a nice time teaching yoga tonight and my day has been very much a series of extreme emotions. Xavier wanted to hear Beatles songs and I played the Across the Universe video for "Let it Be" and just started crying. Xavier said, "what are you doing mama?" "Just cryin'" I replied. "But why are you crying?" he asked. "I don't know. It's just a sad song I guess." I smile. "And are you crying too because you don't know what you want to be when you grow up?" he wonders. I laugh. "What do you think I can do?" I ask him. He pauses for awhile. "Like, maybe you can help people get out of trouble and things. I'm going to be a garage mechanic!" he says. Then he says, "Cry more mama. Talk in the crying voice."

Gunas: Why we sometimes get in a slump

Not long after writing my post about little slumps yesterday, I continued my journey through the Bhagavad Gita (tr. Eknath Easwaran). The chapter I came upon was chapter 14: "The Forces of Evolution" wherein Krishna explains to Arjuna that there are three gunas, born of prakriti (matter;mind;thought-everything except pure spirit "Purusha"). These three gunas–sattva, rajas and tamas–bind the Self to the body. Sattva binds us with happiness and wisdom. Rajas is passion and binds us with compulsive action. Tamas deludes us with heedlessness, indolence and sleep; we are bound to this delusion.

It goes on to explain that (14.11-14.13): "When sattva predominates, the light of wisdom shines through every gate of the body. When rajas predominates, a person runs about pursuing selfish and greedy ends, driven by restlessness and desire. When tamas is dominant a person lives in darkness–slothful, confused and easily infatuated." So you see, I was hanging out in a sattvic state, life was good. Then I fell out of sattva-time somehow. This is not surprising because these three gunas are in a constant state of flux. The only way to attain steady peace and joy is to go beyond the gunas and devote oneself entirely to the love and servitude of Krishna/Brahman/Atman/Truth that cannot be named.

One who has moved beyond the gunas is not phased but worldy matter. (14.24-14.25): "Established within themselves, they are equal in pleasure and pain, praise and blame, kindness and unkindness. Clay, a rock, and gold are the same to them. Alike in honor and dishonor, alike to friend and foe, they have given up every selfish pursuit. Such are those who have gone beyond the gunas."

I am no where near going beyond the gunas. Rajas takes hold of me frequently. Journey on, journey on. OM and Guna-night!

Slump–itos

In Spanish -ito and -ita are diminutives. So if you call me Shannita it's like calling me "little Shanna." With names it's often a term of endearment. When attached to most nouns, it just means little. So, slumpito. A little slump.

I'm not sure when my little slump began. Maybe just 2 or 3 days ago. I've been practicing yoga everyday, meditating before bed, eating well and enjoying my time. I've been becoming increasingly aware of how I respond to situations and I was feeling on top of the world! And then, for no known reason I just started to feel not on top of the world. This happens to me from time to time (my guess is that it happens to most people). The thing is, I don't understand why it happens.

I've been focusing on breathing a lot lately and I wonder if our emotions and moods aren't cyclical in the same way that the breath inevitably rises and falls. On the inhale we can feel light and energized, on an exhale grounded and peaceful. Maybe if we inhale to drastically, get too energized, our exhale will take us to a heavy place. I don't know. So, a little slump. It's fine. I know it won't last. But I wonder, will I always have ups and downs? Is this inevitable? Masters of yoga are not affected by the world around. They live in a state of complete equanimity. So, I'll keep working on that! Work to do. As Dr. Seuss wrote, "unslumping yourself is not easily done."

I need a cookie!

A facebook friend posted this video the other day. It's Aloe Blacc singing "I need a dollar." I could listen to him sing all day. His voice is...is...there are no words to describe how beautifully rich and mesmerizing Aloe Blacc's voice is. Xavier also really loves to watch this one:

He especially loves the dancing and dances along, though he's got a few moves to learn.

Back to "I need a dollar." We took the light rail transit train to the university the other day. Meshon took Xavier to the HUB Mall (a long food court) while I met with my interim supervisor. We had been there once before and people were giving out cookies in the hall. As soon as Xavier recognized where he was he began singing, quite loudly: "I need a cookie, a cookie, a cookie is what I neeeeed!" Over and over and over again. Meshon got him a cookie. Hmmmmm? Now I want a cookie!

En Français

Mais oui! Je peus parler français. Peut-être je ne peus pas tres bien écrire mais je n'ai pas de raison pour m'inquieter. Yeay! J'avais rencontrer avec mon "interim supervisor" aujourd'hui et il m'a dit que j'ai aucune raison d'avoir peur des cours en français. Alors, je vais lire quelques romans (il m'a suggérer un auteur) pour practiquer. Je suis vraiment excité pour commencer les études dans un domaine que je trouvent tellement interessante.

J'ai mal au tête et il faut que je dort. Bonne nuit!

Why are you here?

Why are you here? This is the question that Rameen, a new teacher of mine, likes to ask. He usually repeats once or twice using a different tone, differing the emphasis. His voice is filled with sincerity. My automatic response is, "I don't know and it doesn't matter. I can just be nice and pay attention and be open to whatever life throws at me." While I kinda think that is a good answer, it seems like he thinks we should maybe try to truly figure out why we're here. I don't know for sure if he thinks that because I haven't asked yet but it seems like he's asking me to meditate deeply, to energize upon this question: Why am I here? What is my life's dharma? Deep inside I know that I know already but I also know that I'm not going to know that I know for quite some time. Maybe something will snap and I'll suddenly know, like a bolt of lightning: this is my purpose here on earth!!! I've always thought that people who know exactly what is their purpose in life are just kind of tricking themselves but I'm starting to think that it is possible to figure it out.

So, before YOU go to bed tonight, find a quiet spot and ask yourself: Why am I here?

Ooops. I missed a day. I forgive me :)

Last night I came home after teaching three (yes, I get huge numbers here at Michener Park) beautiful ladies yoga. Xavier was still awake and I fell asleep while I was getting him to sleep. So I didn't write my blog yesterday. But that's ok. Life happens. I suppose if I want to learn from this I can recognize that it would be better to write my blog earlier in the day (though this is not always an option with my lovely play companion).

And so, today I will give you an update. Part of my biggest most underlying intention for this 40 Day journey is unconditional love. So it was easy to forgive myself for missing one day. Be gentle to yourself. I used to be so so so hard on myself all the time. Nothing I do is ever good enough. It's not not good enough for other people, it's not good enough for me, in my own mind. So I'm learning to be more kind to myself. It's a worthwhile endeavour; if I'm not going to be nice to myself, why would I expect anyone else to be?

So. What is this post about? I don't know. I have been keeping up my yoga practice. I had a great class at the Yoga Loft today with Rameen Peyrow. It was a beautifully challenging sequence. I have been faithfully and steadily, even readily, keeping up with my meditation, which has been the greatest thing. I am truly amazed at how–insert word that means good but better than good–life is going these days. I am even starting to, get this, LIKE meditating! I used to enjoy the after effects of meditation but found sitting so still completely excruciating. I am so fidgety and I recall saying, at some earlier point in my life, "I hate sitting still. It makes me feel like I'm dead or something." Little did I know the only thing that might die if I sit still is my EGO! I have been feeling this really interesting spiralling sensation as I meditate. Apparently it's normal. It's a stage (Rameen told me that). I've never been at a stage of meditation before!! (Wait, that's not true. I have been at the "this hurts my back, man this hurts, ouch" stage for awhile).

We found a calendar from 2009 of Hindu gods and goddesses. Xavier now sings devotional hymns to Indra and Krishna. His favourite is Ganesh. He told me that last night. He said, "My favourite is Ganesh because he removes all the obstacles. What are obstacles?" And so I will sign off with Xavier's fave song: