Let your Love be like a Lighthouse

Tomorrow is Xavier's first day of kindergarten. He is excited. I'm excited too, and a little nervous for him. To be honest, I am not convinced that school will ultimately be good for him. I do think the kindergarten we have found for him will be awesome! But school in the traditional sense, I'm just not so sure. Luckily, Edmonton dos have a ton of really neat scholastic options.

When I was at Wanderlust I went to a speakeasy with MC Yogi. He told us parts of his story that day, the first time he had ever publicly shared aspects of his story. One thing that was really hard for him was being in school, and not because he isn't smart or disciplined enough but because it felt like prison to him. In short, school was a bad place for him to be.

When it came time for questions I sat quietly waiting to see if what I wanted to ask should really be asked. Then, at the end there was a moment and I knew I should ask my question. I wasn't sure how I would phrase it so I just started talking. I said something like, "I have a 5 year old son and he's very bright, he loves making music and singing song lyrics. You talked about your difficult experience with school and I guess, I'm...(choking up a little...deep breath) Hoooph. I guess I am more worried about it than I even knew. I'm worried about Xavier going to school and what it might do to him. So I don't know what my question is. Do you have anything, any insight you might share?"

He paused and said, "First of all, I see your love for your son and it is beautiful. Keep loving him like that. You see, you have to be the lighthouse. Your love is the lighthouse on the shore. His path will be whatever his path will be and all that you can do is love him with integrity, act with integrity. You don't want to go out there and try to guide him in because then nobody can find their way back. Let your love be solid and strong. Be the light so that when he needs you, he knows just where you are."

Woah. This is the only possible answer to what I was asking. Other people came up to me and said, "Have you thought of homeschooling?" I have. And then some who said they were worried too. Some who said try alternative schools. All kind suggestions but MC Yogi gave me the only TRUE answer possible. "His path will be what it will be. Your job is to love him unconditionally. And to act with integrity." Which points to the need to discover and to be my true authentic self.

Thank you so much MC Yogi <3 As Xavier partakes in his first day of kindergarten, I'll remember to always be his lighthouse, always shining for whenever he needs to come home.

"Where did she go?" Searching for the Self

It was Thursday night. I was tired and in a pretty negative head space. I had been reading Derrida's Of Grammatology, which I actually quite enjoyed, until I started discussing it with others. Hearing their interpretations, wondering if my own interpretations were wrong. Why should my interpretations be wrong? Why should their interpretations be either? A work, a text means what it means to you when you read it. The damage, the illumination, the propensity to question is already done upon ingesting the words. Of course you can change your mind, but better not to do so simply because of what another person says. Experience it for yourself, put what you have read to the test by searching deep deep inside...

That was a tiny rant. The post is to begin: It was a Thursday night and I was questioning my decision to take a 3 day yoga for kids teacher training. We needed a journal and I was looking everywhere for the one I was currently writing it. I couldn't find it anywhere but I found another one, one I had only written in once. The only entry began: "A fresh moleskin. I thought it was the old one. I was to work on my shadow poem that I had started. Xavier told me to write a poem about a little girl...maybe I should." So, on the night before my kids yoga teacher training I reread something, more of a musing than a poem, that I had written on February 20th, 2012.

Where did she go? I knew her once.
Deeply, wholly, truly, sweetly. I knew her.
Has she really gone or does she remain?
Somewhere in the depths of this me that has been constructed.
Constructed by me, my experiences, my reactions to the world around.
Life doesn't merely shape, it adds.
Layer upon layer while she sits quietly.
Unworried, unafraid beneath the heavy burden of "personality."
She waits, but wants nothing.

Once in a while she catches a glimpse,
sees the light through the time unlikely whole–
A tunnel through the mass of unreal, of imagined or of unimagined.
Sometimes Others can see her shine.
I see the light reflected back in me from their eyes.

To discover who you are, what you are, you must first dis-cover.
There is so much dis-covering to do.
Peeling back layer after layer, unrolling, de-velopping until all layers are removed.

To know who you are, begin by removing that which you are not.
It will sting, it will burn, it may even bleed.
Whatever is left in the end, whatever is revealed must be the answer.

She's in there. I know she is.
Wide eyed, the image of love and of truth.
That little girl, I will not lose her completely.
Indeed, to do so is impossible.
She will rule again, in this I trust.

When I reread those words I knew taking the training was in the cards (as they say). And (instead of 'but') I had no idea how transformative and how healing the kids yoga teacher training with Nicole Koleshis of Next Generation Yoga would be. Tears and oh so much laughter. Our inner children, the who we are at our core before life happened to us (often causing so much trauma along with the joy, often prompting so many walls to be built while still showing us the incredible beauty and love that is life) is really our inner Selves. Allowing your inner child to come out and play does so much more than show you some neat ways to engage children, it shows you how to move closer to living life as your authentic Self.

I sat in meditation on Saturday night after the second day of the training. My usual pain spot behind my right shoulder began to tingle. The tingling spread over my entire right shoulder, front and back, into my chest and then down my arm. It felt so healing, so good. And tears were coming followed by me observing in my body the experience of intense fear and inability to understand. You see, when I was about 2 years old I pulled a pot of boiling water (my nice little pot that I loved to play with) onto myself. I received third degree burns on my chest and right arm. I suspect that the scar tissue runs deep and I gained some insight into what that experience might have done to shape who I am, to form my outlook on the world. Not good, not bad-simply an insight into Self, some very useful svadhyaya (self-study).

I am deeply grateful to all the beautiful, fun, inspirational women who participated in the teacher training. And to our amazing teacher Nicole for helping us all to grow and to love ourselves a little more. "I am happy."

Themes? Patterns? Groupings? Why?

Today the moon is full. It's in Leo and that means creativity (according to some) or communicating with ancestors (according to others). I'm starting to think that all astrology is some pretty awesome cosmic storytelling...much interpretation going on. The point is, I feel like I should write something...but I don't know what. Before beginning I wanted to choose a theme, I wanted to have a title...my indecision nearly caused me to just call it quits and go to bed. But is life really like that? Do we live according to themes? No! It's mostly a wild ride and we try to make sense by grouping everything. So I thought I might just write and see where I end up...

Ancestors. I love my Grandma, and I miss her. I told my friend Sarah, after impressing her with my ability to taste that she didn't use quite as much butter as the shortbread recipe called for, that my knowledge of baking comes directly through an ancestral link to my Grandma's life experience. I have never even made shortbread! Maybe it's true, maybe I'm full of shit. Likely some of both.

I had so much fun visiting Sarah and Vagelli in Calgary. We even drove to the mountains, hiked along a gorgeous mountain stream and saw three amazingly beautiful elk (with huge antlers). And we danced. Dancing. There is something so healing about bodies moving together to the same rhythm. Something intriguing about the way each body represents that rhythm pulsing through it. We should all dance more, and sing. As a society, we are broken maybe because we don't incorporate singing and dancing into our daily lives anymore.

Someone told me that there is a drumming circle at some cafe in Edmonton. I want to go. I love drumming in drumming circles. But will I go? What am I afraid of? Or am I really really so busy (I kind of am for a bit). And spoken word. Spoken word is so powerful, especially live. I remember seeing Shauntay Grant in Halifax. Wow. And Magpie Ulysses at Ness Creek. Most of the spoken word poets I have ever seen have moved me tremendously...not always because they are incredibly talented (though most of them are) but because they are brave enough to share their words. They have let go of caring what people think enough to bare their souls to strangers...vulnerability. There really is power in being vulnerable. And sleepy...now I am sleepy....