Afraid to speak. Yes. What can I say? And how will I use it? Choose it. We choose, every moment. Choose to see our thoughts and to know them. Learn them. What are you here to teach me? Thoughts. Fear. Why are you here? Love as the antidote. What is the worst that could happen, if I were to speak? To share my voice. Turns out, I might even be able to walk through walls!!
Last night, I was finally ready. Last night, after Magpie Ulysses struck me more than five years ago with the knowing and intention, with a dare that I couldn't deny. Not forever. I dared speak. And I am so grateful to her willingness to shine. For giving me permission to shine too.
These were the words I uttered:
I heard a woman speak
I heard.
I heard a woman speak.
But it took me five years to listen.
I heard a woman speak.
She spoke true.
Piercing through
The veils of illusion,
Of fear and futility.
Uninhibited by the terror
that tortures my own creativity.
Yes SHE.
She made me cry.
She told me what I already knew
She told it hard and fast and her words penetrated
past...
my barriers...
Into the soft, vulnerable pink tissue of my
overprotected heart.
A swift silvery arrow of "I dare
you" flew
from her tongue.
It stung.
It struck me...
This arrow of dare
buried itself there,
twisting and turning
causing pain and yearning
bringing longing and knowing
that before this newfound discomfort arose
there was only dull, dense, discouraging
doubt.
Dead pressure.
Blindly, I carried the weight
as it ate
My passion.
My courage.
My willingness to care....
Dead...pressure... rising.
Uggggh...
Stuck, stagnant, stifled voice
too afraid to speak.
This lump in my throat.
This glob of bullshit and lies.
Scared and silent behind the disguise
Of sick, suffocating seeming safety
Of saying what people want me to say
Of being nice
Of not offending
Of not defending
Of not lending
MY voice to the choir.
And she.
She was named after a bird, I think, though
not the singsong kind...
Black and white...
That's right!
Magpie.
Followed by Homer, Tennyson and Joyce
"Speak your voice!"
she pleaded
Though using words far more accustomed to
being uttered aloud than
these trembling tones,
trembling bones...
Woah!
my insides are shaking...
(--You could stop. Run away. Maybe...don't
speak out today?)
Self-sabotaging thoughts.
Unwelcome.
Hang suspended at every junction of my mind.
Not smart enough. Good enough. Tried hard
enough. Lived enough. Never, ever, ever, ever enough...enough...
That's enough!
Enough setting myself up for failure.
Futile, hopeless, detrimental behaviour.
My voice could
be heard, for I did just dare speak
But this,
This certainty is bleak:
Nobody will listen.
Not one person will believe what I say.
Not one mind will be changed today.
If I can't trust the guide inside
If I keep hushing Her, crushing Her, so I
might abide
Half-alive
but in accordance with societies lies.
I hear a woman speak.
When will I listen?
I have much to learn. And I'm excited to keep exploring my voice! To be in a room filled with such passion, such power. Exhilarating. Stories. Courage. Positivity and sharing. Learning. Healing. Crying. Churning. Yearning and yes...LOVING. I am so grateful that you exist Breath in Poetry. Community. Edges. Learning occurs at the edges...so go there. And share. Share your voice. Your wisdom. Your knowing. You have it too. It's in you. In all of us.
Magpie Ulysses speaks here. I want to share atoms with her <3
Magpie Ulysses - 98%
No comments:
Post a Comment