The meditation teacher
said, "People basically do what they want." She told him that. She is
wise, and powerful. I spoke with her once, on the patio of my restaurant. Those
books with a secret author. They will come to me tomorrow. Am I ready now?
Better I ask: "Do I want to read them?" Because, if I do, I will.
Profound. This idea that people do what they want to. Yes. We do. But do we always
know what we want? Do we admit it to ourselves? Out loud? I'll try now. With
this font that I chose, writing appears on a screen this time, rather than via
the magic of ink bleeding out, forever staining the pages of my journal. Will
life force move through me differently as I tap each letter rather than form it
flowingly? Like waves, he said: "Your writing looks like waves
everywhere." Yes. It does. So what do I want? What. Do. I. Want?
What I want, is This
I want...
Him. And him too.
Admit it. It's true.
To lose myself in their
arms.
Soft caress of fingers
against my thirsty skin.
Igniting a silent ember
within.
The fire cries out.
Begging to be stoked.
Vibrating and pulsing with
life and passion.
But not for just any
person.
No. Not him too.
Not anymore.
I want Him. Actually.
Embodied in you.
You. Yes you.
And you want me too.
But you know me too well.
For in that short time
before we fell
From Love's highest heights
That magical night
Where our bodies
intertwined
We came to know the Divine
In each other
Through the Other
Duality fell apart
As your heart
and mine
Beat in unison
Annihilating linear time.
Time became amorphous
All lovers past and future
Seeking rapture
Trying to remember
The blessed, joyous and
tender
Embrace of God.
Embrace God. Creator.
Great Spirit. Our maker.
Back into the light.
You wish to fly.
But we're on earth now.
And though I try
(Over and over again)
To deny
What it is that I want.
I know, I want this:
Your kiss.
Soft lips against mine,
again and again.
Different each time but
just like that time when
I cried after the
transcendent union.
All time and space
Fell away.
And in that eternal place
Your face
Against mine.
Intertwined souls.
Deep knowing of old.
So why don't you want what
I want?
And would I want it so
badly if you did?
This. I want this.
Yes, your kiss.
And your heart and soul.
I want you to squeeze me so
tight.
Lifting me up with your
might.
And then ground me again.
For all those times when
I escape to my thoughts.
Yes, I go there a lot.
It is safe in my mind
No body memories to define
Who I am or am not.
But you keep me here
Teaching me that there is
no need to fear
My own body, my life
Yes there is hardship and
strife
But I want that now too
So I can be ever new
Burning off each and every
day
The stagnant and stale
patterns of yesterday
Stoke the fire more and
more
Burning clean until I soar
Right out of these lies
Of futility and sighs
Of feeling not good enough
Until I finally admit
That I really am it
I am All
And so powerful
I am strong and my hour is
full
Filled with potential and
Love
What I want?
Is to rise above.
But also below.
As deep as I can possibly
go.
Remembering forever what I
know.
Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing is certain.
Except this:
I want Love.
Love eternal.
And I thank you
My infernal
Savior
Your favour?
To remind me
That I must find Me
In myself. Where Love is.
Always glowing. Showing.
And knowing.
And yet...
What with being human and
all
Journeying along after the
Fall
I still want this:
Your kiss.
Your mind.
Your touch, divine.
To feel your hands in my
hair.
To feel your gaze when you
stare.
And to know that you see
me.
My deep surreal beauty.
Your laugh and stability.
Your passion and humility.
The way you hold such safe
space for me.
The way you honour and
revere me.
I want you.
All of you.
Your darkness and pain.
I want for us to dance in
the rain.
And then fall to the
ground.
Our lips not making a sound
As our drenched bodies
steam
Rolling around in the green
Soft, damp grass.
We'll look up at the sky.
Raindrops falling on our
eyes
Washing them clean.
Illusion will disappear
Our hearts and minds clear
No more reason to fear
Abandonment or smothering.
Deep samskaras caused from society's misaligned mothering.
I am here for you.
I want you to know that.
And if,
Someday.
You are no longer afraid.
Unwilling.
Unwanting.
To be.
With me.
Entirely, wholly, fully,
solely.
Then maybe
Our souls will break free.
Dancing together
Passionately.
In each and every moment
That is
Essentially
Nothing at all.
But also:
All
Eternity.
I wrote this poem a little while ago. It's published in Rebelle Society now! And it's crazy, because, despite what I want deep in my heart, I know it isn't the right moment to want it. So I let go. Deep love. "If you love something, set it free." Go free. And be. Do you. I'll do me. I synchronicitously came across a Patti Smith song this morning.
It sums it all up: "There's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust." And still, I will keep my heart open, unguarded, loving, without fear. Until the Beloved in me stays still long enough for me to be convinced of my inevitable, essential wholeness, holiness. "Why would God want a second God?" Learning the same lessons again and again, until I deeply learn how to love in a way that frees from any connecting. Love is freedom. "Love cannot be said." Like the Rumi poem, one of my very favourite Rumi poems:
The Taste of Morning
Time's knife slides from the sheath,
as a fish from where it swims.
Being closer and closer is the desire
of the body. Don't wish for union!
There's a closeness beyond that. Why
would God want a second God? Fall in
love in such a way that it frees you
from any connecting. Love is the soul's
light, the taste of morning, no me, no
we, no claim of being. These words
are the smoke the fire gives off as it
absolves its defects, as eyes in silence,
tears, face. Love cannot be said.
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