Mending not spending!

I forgot to mention another one of my 40 day sadhana goals. I'm not going to buy anything (except food of course). I don't shop excessively but once in awhile I get a strange urge to accumulate stuff. We're on a pretty tight budget but I managed to find a super awesome Goodwill. I come home with books, toys, clothes, pottery, cushions, fabric, jackets...it never costs much. One day I glanced at those people with full carts all around me. They were packed full of junk, crammed full of non-essentials. I looked at my own cart, admittedly less full but still. I may have laughed out loud. I'm going to end up on a hoarder show! I think I caught myself in time (I do love finding treasures and will undoubtedly go back to Goodwill after these 40 days are over-but I'll be more aware).

Today I finally got around to mending. My favourite purple jeans had been out of commission since the fall and my really awesomest hoodie needed a new zipper. I'd never replaced a zipper before but it was super easy. Here I am in my new/old favourite hoodie jacket: 

I also patched up Meshon' s jeans and fixed another pair of my comfy yoga inspired trousers. It's like having new stuff, in a way. Next time I get out my sewing machine I'll create something new out of something I no longer wear. I love doing that!

Magic Spells and Goodnight

Xavier uses magic spells a lot. As of late he has often been casting, "Lollipop, lollipop, lollipop lessler, turn this mama into a wrestler!" then he makes a kind of strange sound and zap! I'm a wrestler. He runs off to the corner and awaits my wrestling attack. I also usually start singing the lollipop song from Stand By Me when he starts that spell. He covers my mouth so he can finish casting.

Tonight I talked him a story (which is different than reading him one) and, of course, he wanted me to talk more stories. It was getting late and he was slightly overtired. Lying still for even a moment would have meant certain sleep. I told him I was way too tired to talk another story. Then came a spell. "Zombidop, zombidop, zombidop zory, make this mama talk another story!" I had to tell him that his spells don't work on really really tired people. Then I explained that if we closed our eyes we'd wake up to a whole nother fresh day. A bright new day full of possibilities, of spells and stories and playing. This worked somehow. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Meshon and I have talked about getting him to put himself to bed. We really messed up on the creating a self-soother thing. But some of the best moments of my day are lying with him at bedtime, listening to his breath soften and feeling his eyelashes flutter against my forehead. Also, I remember lying in bed alone, terrified of all the horrible things my imagination would conjure up. He too has a wild imagination. I know some of you are thinking we'll have to get him to sleep every night until he's a teenager but I really don't think so. And hey, we all just do the best we can at this parenting gig.

Sweet dreams everyone. I'd sing you all lullabies too, if you asked me too <3

Shanti means Peace! OM

Often times, when chanting devotional mantras, we end with "shanti, shanti, shanti-i." Shanti simply means peace, and it sounds beautiful and peaceful too. The threefold chanting of shanti is often interpreted as representing peace in body, speech and mind; in the entirety of one's being. I've also heard it interpreted as peace with one's past, one's present and one's future.

I was once at a powerful talk given by an amazing woman. Her name is Manorama. People call her Ma for short. At one point I raised my hand and either asked or attempted to answer a question (I can't remember). After I spoke she asked my name. I said "Shanna." She replied, "Ah yes. Peace. Peace is very brave." It was really amazing how she could break down our names into Sanskrit etymology. So the root of my name is Peace.

But then I remembered the lessons of another amazing teacher. Jan Henrikson broke down the meaning of the beautiful Lord Krishna's name. Krish: crash and na: not. Krishna consciousness. No crashing! So then isn't my name Shan: peace and na: not? I am No Peace. Peace Not.

I don't want to be "no peace" (maybe I can be know peace?) but I do know one thing about myself. I cannot stomach injustice. It pains me to the core. Whenever people have said, "Life isn't fair, you know" I always want to scream "BUT IT SHOULD BE! AND WHENEVER WE CAN MAKE IT FAIR WE SHOULD!!!!!"(though I don't know exactly what "fair" would look like).

If my name is going to mean "No Peace" then I shall choose to add a little more to it. I will be "No Peace until there is true equity on this planet." May we all find peace within ourselves.

OM SHANTI SHANTI SHANTI

Why Lîmon?

First of all, I'm sleepy. Very sleepy.

Lîmon means lime in Spanish. In Guatemala I loved a man named Carlos. He said, "Shanna Lee Mumm... sounds like Shanna Lîmon." Sometimes he called me Shanna Limonada and then sometimes just Limonada. I like these nicknames.

That is all.

Indecision

I practiced yoga at the Yoga Loft tonight. I signed up for the one month unlimited first time deal. Awesome! I love the vibe. Tonight as I set my intention, my mind was jumping around from possible intention to possible intention. This makes me laugh sometimes. Today I was slightly frustrated with my silly jumpy spastic (and brilliant–my mind told me to add that) mind. Then I remembered my ultimate goal of non-judgement, of compassion for myself. So that became my intention: non-judgement. My practice was kind of silly. I was totally distracted (maybe because teacher is strikingly gorgeous?). But I had fun.

Back to indecision (as in the title of this post). I like to believe that I roll with the punches, that I follow the signs, that I allow myself to go down the path I'm meant to go down (because really, that is all we can do anyways). But sometimes I wonder if I'm really just afraid of making a really important decision and sticking to it. For example, I absolutely cannot imagine ever coming to a point in life where I would have made a decision to have a child. Xavier came when he chose to come and I could not imagine life without him, nor would I want to. But to sit down and say, "Ok, now is the time. I'm ready;" not likely. I also can't imagine deciding to buy a house, choose a career or even figure out what kind of tattoo to get (I love tattoos, some of my friends have the most incredible artwork on their bodies; I could never decide what to get). I'm not even going to decide if my indecision is good or if it is something I should remedy. So there we have it. But I will energize upon this and see what comes up.

Xavier is also indecisive. It's quite hilarious, actually. I can't ask him which books he'd like to borrow from the library, he'll always say "No! I don't want to bring this one. Let me look at some more." So I watch and make educated mama guesses about which ones he'll like and stick them in a bag and check them out. It works out quite well. We also used to let him choose these little $2 sticker pack things. He'd look at them over and over again. 30 minutes went by once until I finally pressured him into making a decision. Then we got to the check-out and he changed his mind. So we grabbed his next choice. Then we walked half-way home and he had a mini-breakdown because he thought yet another one might have been better.

You see, we can do this with all things in life; we can wonder about what might have happened had we made our decisions differently. People say one should have no regrets. I think that life without regret really entails living in the present, in the here and the now. When making decisions I'm going to let both my heart and my mind have a say (and then I'll probably just act impulsively in the end!).

A Radical Act of Love

So I have been accepted to do a PhD in Modern Languages and Cultural Studies. Actually, in the end, if I choose this path, I will have a PhD in French Literature and Culture. But wait? Do I even know French well enough? I do not know. All I know is that they let me in.

So I am slightly worried. I'm going to brush up, a little or a lot. A couple weeks ago I took out a couple DVDs and books from the Edmonton Public Library (EPL). One is a French translation of Jon Kabat-Zinn's Arriving at Your Own Door: 108 Lessons in Mindfulness. In French it is titled more simply Méditer: 108 leçons de pleine conscience. I like the French translation of "mindfulness." It's more like "full consciousness" or "complete awareness" perhaps. In any case, I'm enjoying the short little insights tremendously, looking up the odd word but getting the overall gist of things.

The lesson that has had the most impact so far is lesson number 13: "UN ACTE RADICAL":
"Par-dessus tout, j'en suis venu à considérer la méditation comme un acte d'amour radical, un geste intérieur de bienveillance et de bonté envers soi-même et les autres, un geste du coeur qui reconnaît notre perfection, y compris dans notre évidente imperfection –avec tous nos défauts, nos blessures, nos attachements, nos contrariétés et nos habitudes persistantes de non-conscience" (p24).

I won't translate the entire passage but will try my best to relay the message: Meditation is a radical act of love! It's an internal gesture of benevolence towards oneself and towards others. An action of the heart who understands our perfection, even though we are evidently imperfect–with all of our faults, our pain, our attachments, our judgements and our persistent bad habits of being unaware (non-consciousness).

This rings true for me. I often resist my daily meditation and deep inside I know it's because I don't deem myself worthy of self-love, let alone enlightenment. I know the wonders and the balance meditation will bring, not just to the person practicing but to those around them and even to all people and life everywhere. Love of self is love of all! That helps me love myself, because I do intend to love all. And with mediation that unconditional part will just keep getting closer and closer to true unconditionality!

40 Day Sadhana

I have been toying with the idea of starting a blog for some time. My main obstacle being that I didn't know how, having never done it before. I had planned on beginning a blog as a New Year's resolution, the goal being that I want to write more. Somehow I managed to let that January 1st deadline slip by but now I have the perfect opportunity!!!

I am beginning a 40 day Sadhana, a yoga journey where I commit to transforming my life in some way. I have participated in four 40 day journeys to date. This will be number five. Though I am not in Saskatoon, where my awesome teacher, Ryan Leier, is leading the transformation, I am super excited to develop some new habits and shed some old ones here in Edmonton. I KNOW I will feel the vibe from afar.

My goals are as follows:

1. write something on this blog every day
2. no chips allowed!
3. 10 minutes of meditation each night before bed
4. minimum 15 minute asana practice each day (I'll be aiming for an hour but I don't want to commit to failure)
5. begin strategically, methodically, diligently and decidedly killing the candida (a.k.a. yeasties–more on that later).

There you have it, my pledge to transform. This entire year, for me, is going to be about loving. Loving others (I do that easily <3) and loving myself, unconditionally. To still and banish the judgmental thoughts, to replace them with love and compassion. I will be on love and compassion autopilot mode!

This blog, ultimately, will be about me and the things I'm interested in. I shall go where the day takes me, following the trolley wire in the sky that guides me as best as I can (and I'll write about it here).

I shall leave with a joke. Xavier told it to Meshon and I today. It came out of the blue.

Xavier: "Why didn't the yoga teacher teach any yoga?"
Us: "Why?"
Xavier: "Because yoga isn't the poses."