Svadhyaya: Self-study, spiritual contemplation

I won a free t-shirt yesterday. I knew the fourth niyama (the yamas and the niyamas are ethical guidelines and are the first steps on the eight rung ladder of ashtanga yoga-not the series ashtanga). When my awesome yoga teacher, Ryan Leier http://ryanleier.com/, asked if anyone knew what the next niyama was I searched my brain and then remembered, svadhyaya. I said it out loud and he said, "You get a t-shirt!"

Then, I failed at satya or truthfulness (the second yama). I didn't say what I meant and I certainly didn't mean what I said. What I should have said is, "Yeay! I really want a shirt! Thanks so much!" Instead, I blurted out, "It's ok. I already have two shirts." This statement in itself is true, sort of. My sister has had both of them for a couple years and they're in rough shape. I would love a new Lion shirt! So then Ryan said that someone who wanted one and didn't have much cash could have it. Which totally makes sense, because I basically refused the prize. Why did I do this!? This problem began taking over my thoughts, my mind. Even within the class I didn't feel right about this play of events. I hadn't spoken truth. But I could make it good. I decided I would like Vinny, who had been my handstand partner, to have a shirt to commemorate his excitement and thrill at going upside down for the first time! Sweet. But when Ryan said to go get the shirt I didn't speak out and say I wanted Vinny to have it. I stayed silent. The guy who ended up with the shirt might be totally deserving of the awesome shirt. Again though, I didn't use my voice well.

So what can I learn from this experience? It's so obvious. The word I recalled, svadhyaya, self-study, led me to contemplate a deeply engrained habitual pattern I have, led me to take a deep look at myself (or at my tendencies, at least). As I get into myself I recognize that I don't like to take things from people. I'm more than happy to give but I don't always like to take. Learning to accept what comes graciously is a skill I hope to gain. As for satya, truthfulness, I'm not sure what to do. My treacherous tongue often speaks before I've taken the time necessary to discover what my truth is. Maybe practicing staying silent before speaking will help.

"And I say, can you say what you mean?And can you mean what you mean what you say?
And can you say what you mean?
And can you mean what you mean what you say?
And can you say what you mean?
Every single day? Whoa, whoa, whoa."