"a Love letter" to the Self

"a Love letter"

She reads book titles like Tarot

Sucking every last ounce of marrow

From the shattered bones of meaning

Gleaning seeming but screaming symbols

From All that the perceiver perceives.

But see?

Does She?

If Perception is King

Where is the Queen?

Emotion? Intuition? Vibrations unseen?

Through books and breaths

Squandered looks and rests

Resting Here.

Running There.

Making circles out of squares

Squashing and carving and whittling pegs

Forcing control.

Holding on, being dragged.

Fearing surrender, denying release.

Fix it right! What is ease?

Please!

Please.

Please…

Let go this time. Unhand the banks.

The river runs free.

Give thanks.

Give thanks.

“The Universe has your back”

But the Fault in our Stars

Is what it is

But isn’t ours

Isn’t ours…

Hours and hours.

Measured and bought.

Recorded. Transported.

Afforded or not.

Some wasted. Some spent.

The mind is what lent

All the mechanized compartments

To the Heart, who doesn’t want them.

Before Time. Before Space.

There was Your face.

It’s still here now

I suppose it won’t go

Even though…

I fear losing You

More than I dare know.

And yet, this I wish:

Please be free!

Please laugh and please grow.

Your freedom is mine too

So let us dance in the snow

As it melts beneath bare feet

Meet

Me!

Right here. Where I’m at.

I truly am all that!

And a bag a chips and some chocolate and a cherry on top of it!

Faith. Trust the Love.

Certainty dwindles and fades.

I write in search

That I might find a way

Looking here. Looking there.

Realizing that until I dare:

Look within.

Long, and without chagrin

With Love and Curiosity

With Joy and Luminosity

The key? To be free

The answer? To me:

Not in book titles

Nor in Tarot

Not in the songs of the Sparrow…

Maybe that is not so

Nature does let me know

All that we seek is already

Rhythmic beating and so steady

Always was. Always will.

Self-acceptance. Surrender.

What is left can’t be killed.

Can not die.

Knows not Time.

Moves amidst space but does not wear a face.

Nameless.

Timeless.

Spaceless.

Even…Divine-less.

Forget about remembering what was inevitably forgot!

Instead: simply dance. Don’t stop the music.

And laugh a whole lot.

First Date!

I had the most amazing experience playing The Wish Game with the help and guidance of a radiant and so filled with Love dear friend of mine, Kathryn. It was an incredible learning and loving experience. Many seeds were planted, many veils lifted, many intentions set. But most pressing of all: the glorious work of developing self-love and self-acceptance.

One of the three tangible homeworks that I had was to take myself on a date! Treat myself the way I would wish to be treated. Talk to myself the way I would wish to be spoken to. Of course, I have a Terran for a baby, so he came along. I totally accept that I come with kids so we were all good on that front!

I decided I'd like to take myself on a lunch date to the Muttart. I chose a day. Thursday. I even went shopping and bought myself new jeans and a new coat! But, as Wednesday night rolled around I started hearing a voice that whispered: "You're being silly. A date with yourself? Won't accomplish anything." And other whisperings too, sometimes louder, sometimes faint. All trying to sabotage my plans for self-love. But I was adamant. I had promised. And Kathryn wants to hear about this date.

Wake up Thursday morning. Kind of excited. Kind of nervous. Kind of trying to neglect actually getting "ready" as one would for a real date. But still, I pushed past the voices, picked out an outfit, put on as much make-up as I own and even made a little braid in my hair.

Mirror Selfie Game: Ready to Go!

I got into the car about 5 minutes later than I had planned. I looked in the rearview mirror and apologized for being late. It was kind of awkward, but I forgave myself. And off we went. I suggested that I listen to an audiobook but then realized I hadn't actually downloaded it. Once I arrived at the Muttart I decided to stroll the grounds for a bit first so that I could visit some old friends: trees! 

Me and a Tree Friend I Had Sat In Circa 2 years Ago

I love trees a lot. I go to them for healing. For advice. And for love. In truth, I trust trees and learn unconditional love from them. I have never once doubted that the trees I relate with love me. That feels good to me. My dear friend Cindy texted me. I know I shouldn't text on dates but I quickly answered her. Then! I found a bee hotel! One of her passions is to save bees so it was all very synchronistic!

Me and the Bee Hotel

Then I felt the urge to walk back towards the parking lot. I noticed a tall tree. Magnificent and beautiful standing alone on the meridian. She beckoned me come nearer. I followed. Then saw the sweetest little lone heart shaped leaf growing from her trunk. Unassuming and so beautiful. A message of Love. You grow it yourself!

Heart Leaf

Heart Leaf and Me

I walked towards the pyramids. As I interacted with nature I told myself things like: "I love how you reach out and touch the living world around you." It felt a little forced but I do really love that about me: how much I embrace Mother Earth.

Touching the Husks

The more I got into this selfie thing though, the more I started negative self talk. Looking at photos. Deleting them. "This coat isn't really that nice." Wrinkles. Imperfections. Narcissistic. All things I said to myself on my date. Not so nice. But still, heart open I continued along.

Look Up; Open Your Heart

The pyramids were filled with life! As always, I have this mixed feeling of enjoying the plants and feeling like they are in glass jails. I began almost hurrying along, wondering when I could end my date. Sort of having fun. Sort of feeling like a ridiculous person. Worrying what people thought I was doing taking selfies; fearing their judgement...which is just my judgement. My inner asshole. Then I saw this sculpture: a reminder that my purpose on this self-love journey is really because I want real human partner love. It's hard for me to admit that. I never used to actually admit that I wanted that. I do. 

"The Proposal" and Me

Terran had fallen asleep. Time for lunch. I briefly thought about cheaping out and not buying myself lunch. But I was hungry. I got out my journal prepared to write about how I had been too busy taking selfies to even be present with myself...that I had failed my First Date with myself. But then I heard a voice say: "That's not true! You had so many magical moments. Wonderful and joyful moments." I ate my lunch and enjoyed each bite. Even had dessert! I learned many things about how I treat myself. About how I make unattainable standards for myself. And, I am proud that I can see a little more of the work I have to do. Loving me. So I can love You.

Terran and His Hugs and Kisses Pants

The poetic tale of two nice trees

Going to the edge always necessitates change. Growth. A death of sorts. Get close enough and nothing will ever be the same again. Just like always.

These two dear trees. I visited them frequently for an entire year. They watched me as my belly expanded and grew a tiny being.

The first poem written in the summer of 2015. The second in 2016. A lot can happen in a year.

"Twin Compasses"

Sacred bank of the creek

White Mud

Sculpted by Time

Wind and water wandering

All the while

They've been watching

Warm in the Sun

Wrapped up in one another     

Two Spruce

Together through the ages

Branches intertwined

Caressing trunks

With space enough to grow

Strong.

Tall

He holds her firmly

Did she always know?

That with the stacking of moment

Upon timeless moment

She would venture

Ever nearer to...

The Fall?

But, He holds her still

Though the water will

Inevitably carve the earth

From beneath Her rooted hearth...

And yet, in this Now,

Centred, they remain.

And while it is He who stands behind

Allowing Her splendour to shine

Fully against the Sun

Steadying Her, anchoring Her.

She is the One, who

Has wrapped her roots true

Sending them wide

Far inland from the Creekside

She always knew.

And He did too.

His depth keeps them grounded.

And upon Her breadth is founded

Their intimate balance.

Standing strong.

Sacred heart song.

Rhythmic vibration.

Forever and all along.

July 5th, 2015

And then, one fine sunny day, July 23rd of 2016 in fact, I wrote the following:

"Terran Radix Sky and I walked through the forest today. When I came to the "Twin Compasses" they were lying across the creek! Farewell, dear ONes.

"Fallen at Last" 

You let me go.

Falling fast? Or slow?

The water called to You

Washing our roots clean through

No ground left to stand on.

Lay down. Rest here.

While the waters wash clear.

Clearing all that no longer serves.

We can rise again!

No thoughts of when...

Of back then. Of before.

But can?

Can you let go?

Steady as the river flows

Intertwined together we did grow

Let's try anew

Blessings renewed

Me and You

Free to let be

Fallen trees

Side by side

Which one died?

Together. First. Same time. 

Lying across the creek

A mother and son doth seek

Solace. Respite.

A calm after the crash

Would I could have heard that bold bash!

Twin compasses cracking and bursting

Both parched and angry with thirsting

For Truth. For Love.

Found here. And above.

Decompose. Rest awhile.

Return different

And with a smile.

Too blessed to feel sad.

Death brings renewal.

My heart is glad.

Still here.

But different now.

Excited to burst forth

Dancing this sacred course.

The ebb. Rivers flow.

Take us both! 

Fast. And slow.

Until when?

Will we know?

For now,

Time is made to grow.

July 23rd, 2016

"Journeys to the Self"

It's been so long! Since I posted on here. I'm in a coffee shop with a very old journal. I found this unfinished poem from December 21st, 2012. I share it now, and, perhaps, finish it later..?

I thought I was alone
Mukluks crunching in crisp diamond snow
Sun low - Solstice Day
She walks with me
Silent, weightless

Floating amongst the salmon coloured willows
Atop the thumping bullrushes.
At times, she lies flat
Yet moving still
Gliding across the snow covered river marsh

Alone but together
She pats the shadow dogs
A reminder

The Light and all that is given
Together as one
All that throbs and ebbs beneath the powerful Sun

...

Half a world away
In both time and space
That same shadow girl
Crumbles with each crashing wave

Yet, she never dissipates, only shimmers
Wavering beneath the full blood moon
Running backwards as toes scrape
Dancing upon wet ocean sand

Phosphorescence shimmering in long green lines
The passage of life, the movement of time
Am I still that girl? Somehow in some way?
A shadow of everything that while in flux,
Will always stay.

"Bless the Water"

Perfect. It just isn't true
Except: that it is
renew. Renew

You
and Me.
Sacred Water, too.
We carry.

Learnings. Experience. Remembrances.
Times of Joy
Some moments scary
Traumatic even
Secondary.

Our perfection shaped and added to
Covered over and subsumed
These patterns that shift us
Sometimes drift us
And mold us too
Into Who; into What
We are: Always. Becoming.

Sweet Constance. She lies beneath
And above
Throughout or within...
Beyond Space. Beyond Time.
Once too thick, then too thin.
Words can't express this deep surreal love

And Love
Is the key
Unlocking
and Blessing us back
Towards Free

Perfection. Complete.
It is no small feat

Lifetimes of concentric circular knowing
All the while, the Water keeps flowing

Bless Her. Bless Him.
Bless the Water, within.
Bless the frozen, the ice, the evaporated and congealed.
The transforming, the polluted, the boiling, the healed.
Bless All.

Love and gratitude.
We are what we Are.
Unconditional blessings upon You
Upon All
Through touch, vibration and song.
Intention, energy and Love!

Before too long...

Bless the Water!
Remember the heart songs.
The joy and the laughter
Within all along.

Bless the Water.
Love humanity.
Bless all Beings.
Embrace destiny.

Not this. Not that.
My essence can't be named...
And yet...
If I am anything concrete, grant me fluidity:
Name me Water!
Let me flow. Let me grow.
Clean and clear; sparkling and Here
And free always to Know:

Nothing. At all.

Dear Love,

Dear Love,

Are You Black? No. Not blue either, though... Fiery bright Red? Sometimes. Burning flames. Embers ignited. Licking clean all misconceptions about You...

I think You might be Green. Like the buds I saw on the trees while walking here. Ever new. Always renewing. You.

I've searched. We all do. But You. You don't stay still. Don't wait to be grasped. Crumble at the mere notion of being caged. Won't be named of defined. Yet You constantly refine. Making shiny and bright. A newfound sensitivity to Life.

Are You the light that I saw when she smiled at me? Pleased by my rotund fertility? Are You the feeling of knowing with absolute certainty? That All is just as it should be. Demanding surrender. Hearts that feign tender,  know not the infinite power of eternal Love. No pain. No strain. Just is-ness. Below. Above. Within. Without...

Without You, dear Love, could we connect with each Other? Finding ultimately that all Sisters, and Beings, all Brothers. Not Others...maybe Nothers. A-nother. Nothings and Alls. Witnessing my Self as I fall. Falling into You. You will catch me, I know. I ask then for Faith. For the courage to let go.

Dear Love, I thank You. For always being here. Deep inside. In all things. Are You why we persevere? Until someday we fly free (but we already are). Wrapped safe, in Your ubiquitous embrace. What was always near, has never been. So far.

XO,

Shannanananananana