A post for yesterday!

I missed one again. Oh yesterday. You didn't leave me any time for bloggering. Silly yesterday. But we had a nice time with you, visiting family and friends. You were sunny. Today is also sunny. Once tomorrow comes, yesterday will still be sunny...but I don't know how long this pattern will apply.

Some languages have more or less words that describe time. For example, the word "zeg" (Georgian) means the day after tomorrow http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/102722. But then again, if time is maya (illusion) then maybe the more we talk about time the more we struggle to live in the present, in the now.

Stream of Consciousness (or unconcsiousness ;)

Typing. Thoughts that come. Awareness. Fingers hurt. Stop chewing. Sensations first. Dry throat. The bad ones, I feel them. Search for the good. Hmmmmm? Not there. Low back aches a little. Getting stronger. Is the body feeling good simply the absence of pain? Maybe. Though touch feels good...massage and such;) So. Where to now?

Thinking. If I think about thinking then the thinkings don't come. What will I think next? The park. Xavier wants to go to a park. Dreams about parks, he does. Sleeping in the car yesterday, he awakes and yells, "NO!!! Go the OTHER way! I want to go back to the park!" Dear child. Dear sattvic and rajic child. So blessed I am.

Inhale shortly. Exhale hugely, loudly. Buzzing in my head...reeeoreeoreeeoreeeoreeeoreeo. Why? People are thinking of me, talking about me...nope. Too much sugar and bread. Bad for the sinuses. Make it stop now. It won't. Hey! It did, a little. Or at least it changed a bit. I fixed a typo. That's not allowed in stream of consciousness. Actually, I don't know if punctuation is allowed. But who makes these rules, really? Silly. Writing is creating is without rules or it should be. But to some extent one needs to be undserstood. Though are we ever, truly, understood? What would that even mean? People say, "Ahhh yes. I know what you mean." Do you? Cuz I don't even know what I mean much of the time. Or I mean differently than I'm understood. True speech. Speak Truth. How? Hmmm? Maybe without using words is best.

Heading Back to Saskatoon

Saskatoon. I remember coming to Saskatoon as a teenager and it seemed so huge! Now I appreciate it's perfect size. We live in Edmonton now. It is huge and silly. Saskatoon is just right. It's a goldilocks city. I didn't know that before. You have to leave it to appreciate it, it seems. Charles Hamilton feels the same way. Here's his brilliant piece:

I saw him perform at the small stage at Ness Creek a couple of years ago. Magpie Ulysses was there too. One day I want to try speaking words. True words. Good words. Words that move and inspire and that bring love and peace.

Waking up to dirty dishes...

Today has been a series of negative emotions, thoughts and actions. Today sucks. And I am sofa king tired today. Blasted. Whaddya do? Nothing. There's nothing wrong, even. Just a day wherein I failed to see the beauty and wonder and saw instead the shitty stuff.

One thing I know is that I woke up and eventually started wondering what to make for breakfast (I may have a food obsession to deal with–food rules my life and I want that to change). Anyway, I knew we had some browning bananas in the fruit bowl (I thought we had 3 or 4). I made some awesome blueberry banana muffins the other day (recipe found here: http://www.thesweetslife.com/2010/07/banana-blueberry-oatmeal-muffins.html ). I was going to make them again! So I came downstairs and saw a sink full of dirty dishes. Blech. I didn't even notice them when I got home from V-ball last night. I hate waking up to dirty dishes. And now I had to wash them before I began making delicious muffins. Hmmmph. So I wash them. Now it's time for muffins. Shit. There are only 2 bananas left (well 2 and the chunk Xavier hasn't finished yet). So do I half the recipe? Yes. That's what I'll do. Ok so I go to get the yogourt from the fridge. There is no yogourt? There is no yogourt. When? Who? (I think I ate it, actually). I might as well just find a whole new recipe. The new recipe I find is lame and boring. The muffins taste ok but aren't nearly as moist and hearty as the recipe I was dreaming of. Ahhhhh. Such is life.

The rest of the day progressed in such a way where everything just kind of went south or sour or whatever the saying is. So, here's to hoping tomorrow is sweet and north, I guess. And that I have better perspective. I think a good sleep should help with that perspective stuff.

A Competitive Nature

So you think being competitive is nature or is it nurture? It certainly runs in my family but that could still be nurture. My dad doesn't even let us win games when we play against him (you know how parents sometimes let their kids win on purpose so they feel happy? Nope. Not my dad). It's not that I'm a sore loser. Not at all. Especially not when everybody plays their best. But as my Grandma once said, "Of course I would rather win." She was great at cards and carpet bowling (even though she was legally blind).

Now. What does it mean to play one's best? I haven't played a competitive sport for quite some time and tonight I filled in playing volleyball in a rec league. I had so much fun. It has been awhile but I limbered up pretty quickly. And, if the ball is even remotely playable (and often when it's seemingly unplayable) I try to get it. I dive and run and do intense back–bends. I crash. I fall. I try my best. This led one guy to state that he thought I was on drugs. It's not drugs though. We didn't win but we had fun.

Some people were certainly less into trying like crazy. Is it because they think they can't get to the ball? Or is it because they're afraid they'll look silly trying so hard? The decision that goes through the mind when a person thinks, "Nah. I'll never get that one." As compared to, "If I don't try I'll never know if I could have got that one and just maybe just maybe I can get it!"

So anyway. I'm competitive. Did nature make me this way or is it learned behavior? Hmmm...

wakin' up grumpy

I don't want to write anything. Not at all. I want to wallow in self-pity and be grumpy. I'll meditate before bed though. I had a nice time teaching yoga tonight and my day has been very much a series of extreme emotions. Xavier wanted to hear Beatles songs and I played the Across the Universe video for "Let it Be" and just started crying. Xavier said, "what are you doing mama?" "Just cryin'" I replied. "But why are you crying?" he asked. "I don't know. It's just a sad song I guess." I smile. "And are you crying too because you don't know what you want to be when you grow up?" he wonders. I laugh. "What do you think I can do?" I ask him. He pauses for awhile. "Like, maybe you can help people get out of trouble and things. I'm going to be a garage mechanic!" he says. Then he says, "Cry more mama. Talk in the crying voice."

Gunas: Why we sometimes get in a slump

Not long after writing my post about little slumps yesterday, I continued my journey through the Bhagavad Gita (tr. Eknath Easwaran). The chapter I came upon was chapter 14: "The Forces of Evolution" wherein Krishna explains to Arjuna that there are three gunas, born of prakriti (matter;mind;thought-everything except pure spirit "Purusha"). These three gunas–sattva, rajas and tamas–bind the Self to the body. Sattva binds us with happiness and wisdom. Rajas is passion and binds us with compulsive action. Tamas deludes us with heedlessness, indolence and sleep; we are bound to this delusion.

It goes on to explain that (14.11-14.13): "When sattva predominates, the light of wisdom shines through every gate of the body. When rajas predominates, a person runs about pursuing selfish and greedy ends, driven by restlessness and desire. When tamas is dominant a person lives in darkness–slothful, confused and easily infatuated." So you see, I was hanging out in a sattvic state, life was good. Then I fell out of sattva-time somehow. This is not surprising because these three gunas are in a constant state of flux. The only way to attain steady peace and joy is to go beyond the gunas and devote oneself entirely to the love and servitude of Krishna/Brahman/Atman/Truth that cannot be named.

One who has moved beyond the gunas is not phased but worldy matter. (14.24-14.25): "Established within themselves, they are equal in pleasure and pain, praise and blame, kindness and unkindness. Clay, a rock, and gold are the same to them. Alike in honor and dishonor, alike to friend and foe, they have given up every selfish pursuit. Such are those who have gone beyond the gunas."

I am no where near going beyond the gunas. Rajas takes hold of me frequently. Journey on, journey on. OM and Guna-night!