Loving thoughts and Accepting my beautiful broken Heart

Sloan's song "I can feel it" just came on. "But you've got a thing for me. I can feel it. I can feel it. And I've got a thing for you too. You can have it." Feeling. We can feel it, even when we aren't consciously aware.

This past weekend I had the immense privilege and good fortune to learn from Suzanne Faith Slocum-Gori. Let me just say, unselfconsciously and without "complexity or pride," that I love her. In one of her workshops she illuminated the seat of the teacher, focusing on how to hold sacred space for students. And since we're all students, all teachers, her insight and wisdom is invaluable for all of life. So much invaluable knowledge was shared and I am so grateful. 

But back to "feeling it": at one point the tangibility of the energy of thoughts came forth. The energy of thought is felt. Felt by the students, felt by all of the people that one might direct thought at. Judgment. As teachers, as people, we need to take responsibility for this. When teaching, she asked that we look for what is beautiful about the student, find their strength and encourage that. Then they will also feel that beauty, that strength. Instead of looking at someone in down dog and seeing misalignment or tight hamstrings or lack of integration, find their specific strength in the pose. Maybe it could be their earnestness or the power in their legs or their core, or the flexibility of their joints. There will always be something positive in their approach to the pose, and to life. Peer out from the Self with Love first, before trying to detect possible ways of improving. Love first. Right? This is why the famous Mother Theresa quotation is so foundational: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." This applies also to the Self. To the negative self-talk that can run rampant through one's mind. Catch it! Do not engage in self-harming via your own thoughts. Being gentle and kind with myself has been and continues to be a challenging lesson to fully integrate. I am enough. I am enough. One more time: I am enough. For me!

Acceptance of all of me. As Suzanne led a practice at the Sattva School of Yoga this past Monday she began by explaining how she had felt a yearning to call in Courage and Strength. The light of awakening is at hand...at mind? at heart? at soul? Shreem! We chanted an invocation to the Divine Mother in her many aspects. "He maha Lakshmi, He mata Kali, He Saraswati, Jagatombe jai jai Ma, He ma Durga, He ma Durga..." In my own practice honouring and praising the Divine Feminine has recently become intuitively necessary. I guess I could say, I have had and continue to have a deep yearning to chant and give thanks to the Divine Mother. I've been chanting the following, and, having only read the words, the rhythm comes from within me: " OM Jayanti Mangala Kali Bhadra-Kali Kapalini Durga Shiva Ksama Dhatri Svaha Svadha Namo'Stu Te." So powerful, these Sanskrit words vibrating through my entire being. Kali Ma!

Back to the practice, leading up to the revelation, the mini-epiphany. Sweat dripped off of me, I found myself in a pose I had never managed before (visvamistrasana variation), as a deep fire burned through some of my samskaras (I hope!). And then, during the meditation this liberating acceptance and Truth came to me: "I accept my broken heart. I accept my broken heart. I accept my broken heart." Over and over. There was no me, no space, nothing tangible surrounding my body; simply light and love. I don't only accept my broken heart, I LOVE it. It makes me who I am, it brings the depth and understanding that I have gained through life experience, through past life experience, and provides the sweetest compassion along with the fiercest love and protection. Blessed. I am so incredibly grateful for this path that unfolds, for my journey into Being.

I accept my broken heart

I accept my broken heart

I love it

Thank God for the pain

The experience

The depth.

Yes! Blessed

To feel. To reveal.

Nothing wrong. Nothing right.

Acceptance that dissolves fright

Shifting from darkness to light.

Ephemeral beauty.

Spiritual duty.

Dancing. Keep dancing. Ever chancing.

Emptiness vibrating.

Nothing in Every-thing.

To be or to not? Impossible quandary.

Allow. Let go. Let grow.

The river will unstoppably flow.

Evolve.

Is-ness. Unmasked. 

And here is David Newman chanting to the Divine Mother.

Love Embodied: Blessing? Or Curse?

Of late, the notion of divine Love has been at the forefront of my contemplation. Understanding love...can we? Maybe we can over-stand it. Maybe love cannot be said. And, for those of us who find ourselves on the arduous and wildly transformative spiritual journey, seeking God's Love, (though we know it is already and always a part of us, is contained within and without us), for us, does human embodied Love support or hinder the journey towards Self-realization? These questions are meaningless and yet indicate the mistake, the human error. What is love? Where is it? Why is it? Divine Love?

I had the immense pleasure and opportunity to write a paper last year in my comparative literature class that does not fit into the usual mold of academic paper writing. Therein, Shakespeare, Rumi, John Donne, Hildegard of Bingen and St. Augustine, all conversing in the Akashic field, examine Plato's Symposium in an attempt to decide whether or not it displays an adequate understanding of the nature of Love. It was fun. If you you were interested in reading it, do let me know! I'd me more than happy to e-mail you a PDF. Keats makes an appearance at the end! "Beauty is Truth."

This morning I found myself heading down a nostalgic deep road of Bon Jovi. He has a beautiful rendition of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" that I had never heard before. The line, "And remember when I moved in you? And the holy dove was moving too. And every breath we drew was Hallelujah." Like that, earthly love becomes momentarily divine. And those moments, so powerful, though fleeting, are difficult to let go of. Moments of rapture on the way to realizing eternal and unwavering bliss. Do they detract? Distract? Create addictive like behaviour? They certainly can. Yes. But they also bring forth knowing that there is a greater Love, a constant and ever-present Love. Breaking down the barriers that we've created against it. And in my Bon Jovi marathon, a line from "Bed of Roses" resonated: "I wanna be just as close as, the Holy Ghost is...and lay you down. In a bed of roses." Humans seeking divine union. A curse? A blessing? This depends on the clarity of purpose held by each Soul, I suppose...

Unending Love

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it’s age old pain,
It’s ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star, piercing the darkness of time.
You become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers,
Shared in the same shy sweetness of meeting,
the distressful tears of farewell,
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours -
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

― Rabindranath Tagore, Selected Poems

With Love; Blessings for 2015

With Love

"Whatever you do, do it from a space of love."
He said that. To me.
Wisdom.

Did I understand then? Not quite.

From love. The heart.
From that part
Inside that IS the whole.
Soul.

Beauty and Bliss.
From this,

From this place, I can do no harm.
Can cause no pain.

Act. With Love.
Think. With Love.
Be. With Love.

Only Love. Is Real.
Feel.

Feel deep. Go there.
Finding the courage to face yourself.
And to stay.

This.
Is Love.

All that we do, and all that we seek,
Guided or misguided,
Is because of Love–
Love of Self.

Self-Love!
Fill up. Overflow!
Let it flow.
Let it grow.
And know, that there is really nothing to know.
So let go.
Gentle softening. Surrender.
So tender. The mender, of hearts.


With Love.
Eternal.

A passage from Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj in I AM THAT:

"That which you are, your true self, you love it, and whatever you do, you do for your own happiness. To find it, to know it, to cherish it is your basic urge. Since time immemorial you loved yourself, but never wisely. Use your body and mind wisely in the service of the self; that is all. Be true to your own self; love your self absolutely. Do not pretend to love others as yourself. Unless you have realized them as one with yourself, you cannot love them. Don't pretend to be what you are not; don't refuse to be what you are. Your love of other is the result of self-knowledge, not its cause. Without self-realization, no virtue is genuine. When you know beyond all doubting that the same life flows through all that is and you are that life, you will love all naturally and spontaneously. When you realize the depth and fullness of your love of yourself, you know that every living being and the entire universe are included in your affection. But when you look at anything as separate from you, you cannot love it because you are afraid of it. Alienation causes fear and fear deepens alienation. It is a vicious circle. Only self-realization can break it. Go for it resolutely." (187)

 

Love Evolving

There was this little video on facebook the other day. It had something to do with "real love" versus "ego love." It was a nice reminder. Wanting the people you love to be happy, regardless of whether or not that means you are significantly part of their lives. Apparently, according to a yoga healer guy, the Maori culture views love as the space between two people. I dig it. I said something like that myself, after contemplating Marc Chagall's paintings. To quote myself (haha):

"Love is the existence of the ephemeral balance of sun and moon energy, of reason and intuition, of the head and of the heart. It is the point just there, in the in-between, where dualism and dichotomy can no longer exist, and where creation and destruction appear as simultaneously inevitable aspects of being."

But I haven't always had these ideas about love. Check out this heart-broken, Princess Buttercup in her rocking chair breathing the words "I will never love again," poem I wrote after my wild and passionate love affair with a dive instructor from New Zealand. Aroha Nui Dear Tony ;)

But lately. Unconditional ego-less love has been something I've understood and felt. Admittedly, I forget once in awhile. But still. Love liberates. Love transforms. And ultimately, though it can really fucking burn: LOVE HEALS.

Red flame of love. 

Lick me clean with your many tongues. 

Fire. 

Purifying. 

Dull metals littered with the dust and debris of Time Form anew. 

Pure. 

And strong. 

 Love grows when. 

Without will or purpose. 

Grows as it feeds on the knowing, that only IT possesses. 

Certainty that is lost in the mind-trap of language-thoughts. 

The heart. 

The you. The me. The in between. 

In that space. 

Infinite. Infinity. 

Expansive transformation. 

Love. She liberates. 

Everything else arriving disguised in Love's clothing: 

The pain. The hurt. The longing. 

All ego. Le moi-superficiel. Ahamkara. 

 And the deeper Self? Le moi-fondamental? Purusha? 

Peace. Love. Knowing. 

Always et pour toujours.

Batter me Shatter me, I'll surface renewed

The last few months have proved, well, they've proved painful. Literally. My shoulder has been hurting since May. My left knee started feeling funny when I sat in virasana (hero's pose) and of course, I have my usual burning pain behind my right shoulder blade (actually! it moved down two inches and switched to the left...). Even though these signs might have been asking me to slow down, to nurture and love my body, my temple, I didn't do that. I just thought they might go away on their own...

And then, while walking down an ever so slight incline, wearing flip-flops, my foot slipped a mere 20cms. To catch myself, I quickly stepped with my left foot. Upon lifting my leg to step, I felt the most excruciating pain and my left quads exploded. Now, yes, I do have a tendency to exaggerate, and while they didn't literally explode, they were instantly deformed. I held them down, pressing firmly with all the healing energy I could muster. It didn't matter. This was no slight spasm. It hurt so bad I almost puked. And then, I started limping the several blocks to my car...luckily someone I barely knew saw me and saved me. I couldn't really walk for a week and then I limped around for a few more. Rather than get super bummed about not being able to practice yoga, I instead practiced yoga! I meditated and practiced pranayama. And this, this is where the real work begins (for me at least). But still! I was desperate to be ready to practice yoga asana again. The quads were mostly healed. And an amazing yoga event was coming up in Edmonton; I already had tickets to the Bloom festival and I was going no matter what!

I attended the entire week-end and from Friday night at the Muttart until the very end, I was blooming and opening and blooming some more. I sat near and amongst most gorgeous and inspiring flowers, and I learned. As Shane Koyczan writes: "So I sit before flowers hoping they will train me in the art of opening up." And, just as I was opening up in sweet surrender while dancing like nobody was watching to the wicked and amazing beats of MC Yogi and DJ Drez, I stepped a little funny and, just like that, I turned my ankle over, spraining it pretty badly. I heard the crunch, felt the familiar snap of ligaments and tendons. You see, I'd done this before, to both ankles, though not for many years. My old reaction? Instant rage. Anger. But this time I just said to my dear Megan, "I sprained my ankle. I'll just watch from the edge for awhile." I wasn't attached to what my sprained ankle meant. It meant I couldn't really dance anymore. It meant I wouldn't be practicing asana for awhile, even though I had said aloud that very night that I was super excited to have decided to start attending inspired room at The Sattva School of Yoga. I simply thought to myself, "Oh. Maybe I am supposed to be still for awhile. I think I finally got the hint."

My ankle is still a little swollen and slightly discolored. I've had strong urges to go back to the studio and practice, ignoring what I know in my heart to be true. I'm not ready yet. I'm not healed. And I am the one responsible for my healing. Only I know how to soften and unravel the painful patterns in my body. And so, I have been practicing asana. At home. By myself. Listening to my body, to my breath, to the inner teacher. I have a home practice!! For real. One of my early introductions to yoga was at the University of Saskatchewan in a drama class. The Prof got us to do sun salutations most every class. At the end of the term I asked him if there were places to practice in Saskatoon. At that time, there were only maybe two places. But he also said this: "Yoga is something that you do by yourself every day. And then sometimes in a studio." I think he is right. You can practice every day in a studio too. But I think the real undoing, the real healing is done by yourself. With the additional support of the community and the teachers you come across.

My practice, as I gently apologize to my body and give it the love it has been deserving but not getting for the last 33 years, is simple. I turn on Singh Kaur's song "Mender of Hearts." I stand still and begin to notice my breath. And then, I move wherever that breath takes me. After I don't feel like moving anymore, I do kapalabhati then a combination of nadi shodhana and ujaiie with retention on the inhales and exhales (Srivatsa Ramaswami taught it to us at One Yoga in Saskatoon). Then, I meditate. During this practice, I often break down in tears. And I let them flow. Releasing. Opening. Surrendering. And learning to Love. Love even the pain for teaching me how to heal. And for teaching me to honour my own Self, my own heart. Remembering: "This above all, to thine own self be true." To be true to myself, I need to understand, no, overstand, who I am. And on the path to finding out who I am, there is much shattering to do. Transforming. Into what I have always been, and always will be.

Transformation

Batter me, shatter me

Three persons

or Four

God; Rhythm; Spirit; Life

Throw me to the floor

Crack me open with the lightning of Love

Light-ening, letting it in

Through the cracks.

Trusting. Knowing.

Knowing nothing

Can hurt me

Not really

Breaking, shattering, opening

A blast!

Vast...

Fast and violent

There's no time to wait

There is; No time.

Time. Time? Time!

What will become of me?

Having the courage to be free. 

To be Me.

Broken, shattered, explosive light.

Fright. It's all right.

Afraid of that Power.

The Power within.

Daring enough?

To begin. 

Aham Prema; I am Love; I love all the fluffy animals; Dear little Mousey (a reflection poem)

I began my day yesterday with Day 4 of Deepak and Oprah's 21 day meditation challenge. It's fun to have the guidance and to learn some new sanskrit mantras. Yesterday's centering thought was: "I am love." It was a beautiful meditation. Healing tears flowed from my eyes. Afterwards, I felt the deepest gratitude for the Earth and all that she brings. Love. For all.

I left my house later that day. On the path to school I noticed the trees bountifully springing forth fruit...I noticed, was aware of...well, everything. The interconnection of all life, and also death. And it broke me a little. I wrote the following in my journal:

The tree produces fruit.

I don't even know if it is edible.

Survival. What have we become?

A crab apple by my feet.

This tree, I know, is filled with fruit so sweet!

But they fall to the ground.

Giving. Giving. Giving.

Taken for granted. Waste and rot.

I walked and thought.

The fresh taste of from here fruit vibrant on my tongue,

"Can I pick them for you? I will bake you a pie."

Then, from the corner of my eye.

Tiny mousey, "Why did you have to die?"

"Wee tim'rous beastie."

Not an upturned earth this time.

You look so peaceful, as though asleep.

Lying on your side, no marks show me why.

Poisoned?

By this fucked up society.

You so resemble the tiny friend

Who skittered near my green felt bag

While he sat with me.

I miss him.

And you.

Let me gently move you.

Beneath the warm decaying leaves.

Back to the earth

From whence...

You came. We came. All came.

To stardust and of it too.

You. I weep for you. 

Dear little mousey.

Robbie Burns wrote a very famous poem. I recall it here, in my own. In his work, the mousey isn't dead. But the poet, the Ploughman worries that the mouse won't be able to build a new nest before winter. "Man's dominion." How long will we let it break "nature's social union?" Here it is:

To a Mouse By Robert Burns On Turning up in Her Nest with the Plough, November, 1785 Wee, sleeket, cowran, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty,           Wi’ bickerin brattle! I wad be laith to rin an’ chase thee           Wi’ murd’ring pattle! I’m truly sorry Man’s dominion Has broken Nature’s social union, An’ justifies that ill opinion,           Which makes thee startle, At me, thy poor, earth-born companion,           An’ fellow-mortal! I doubt na, whyles, but thou may thieve; What then? poor beastie, thou maun live! A daimen-icker in a thrave           ’S a sma’ request: I’ll get a blessin wi’ the lave,           An’ never miss ’t! Thy wee-bit housie, too, in ruin! It’s silly wa’s the win’s are strewin! An’ naething, now, to big a new ane,           O’ foggage green! An’ bleak December’s winds ensuin,           Baith snell an’ keen! Thou saw the fields laid bare an’ waste, An’ weary Winter comin fast, An’ cozie here, beneath the blast,           Thou thought to dwell, Till crash! the cruel coulter past           Out thro’ thy cell. That wee-bit heap o’ leaves an’ stibble Has cost thee monie a weary nibble! Now thou’s turn’d out, for a’ thy trouble,           But house or hald, To thole the Winter’s sleety dribble,           An’ cranreuch cauld! But Mousie, thou art no thy-lane, In proving foresight may be vain: The best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men           Gang aft agley, An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,           For promis’d joy! Still, thou art blest, compar’d wi’ me! The present only toucheth thee: But Och! I backward cast my e’e,           On prospects drear! An’ forward tho’ I canna see,           I guess an’ fear!

"Can you teach me to meditate?"

The text message came to me one afternoon. A dear friend needing to make friends with her mind. My immediate reaction was one of profound responsibility. I have something to offer and when asked to teach, to share knowledge, I have heard it said, one should heed the call. But I was also struck by another profound thought: "meditation can't be taught." Now, this isn't exactly true. I texted back and said that I could come over later that night and share with her some of what I practice, some of what I know.

In the eight-limbed path of yoga, the tree that is called ashtanga, there is both dharana=concentration and dhyana=meditation. Before having a hope in hell of reaching an actual state of meditation (where the mind reaches an uninterrupted flow of concentration) most of us earthlings have much work to do. I recently was blessed to learn from Srivatsa Ramaswami and he explained that there are 5 stages of mind (as outlined in Patanjali's yoga sutra 1.32):

Stage 1: kshipta = "broken mind"
Stage 2: mudha = "infatuated with the outer world; slave to the senses, seeking always pleasure"
Stage 3: vikshipta = "distracted minds; some focus but multiple interests/distractions"
Stage 4: ekagra = "mind is able to remain focused on one thing for a long time"
Stage 5: nirodhah = "no distraction; no objects"

Most of us, he said, are somewhere between 3 and 4. So how to gain control of the mind? This has to do with energies, with gunas. The yamas and the niyamas are the first limbs in the system because they have to do with what we energetically allow into our bodies, into our energy fields. What we want, ultimately, is a sattvic state of mind SO THAT we will be able to meditate. Sattva is joy, peace, balance, equanimity, light. It is fresh healthy food and loving thoughts. It is living in the present moment and being aware of the vital force, of the love, that permeates all of life. The other two energies are tamas and rajas. Tamas is heavy, grounding and somewhat dull. It's fried chicken and alcohol; it's sleeping too much and feeling sad a lot. Rajas is fiery and energetic, if not agitated. It's spicy food and angry words. It's heat and excessive worrying. Don't get me wrong, all of the energies are present and necessary, but the work of one who wishes to meditate is to limit, to decrease tamas and rajas so that they can achieve a sattvic state of mind, which is the ultimate goal of yoga.

One of the interesting things that Ramaswami explained is that doing the asana practice, the physical postures, decreases rajas. A person with a very distracted, agitated, worried or quick mind should practice lots of asanas to prepare for meditation. The practice of pranayama is said to decrease tamas; a person who is depressed or down will benefit from doing more breathing techniques as they prepare for meditation. So, if you fall asleep in meditation, do more pranayama; if your mind won't stop racing, do more asana. Simple! (I love it when things have formulas and are simple).

I went to my friend's house and began by saying: "Meditation is not all bliss. And it's the hardest thing I've ever done. You might think that I am sitting here with my eyes closed, with my hands resting gently in my lap, tip of thumb and index lightly touching, at peace. After years of practice, I find peace at times. But in the beginning, it's hell. And it's hard. For me meditation physically hurts as blocked energy wells up beneath my shoulder blade, burning and screaming at me to let go. To open. To surrender." Well, maybe I didn't say ALL that but I did ask her not to get discouraged. And told her it was normal for the mind to race and that, once you notice the thoughts, simply let them pass by, without attaching any stories to them or following them up with subsequent triggered thoughts.

We started of with some asanas and then did some pranayama. I then led us through a loving kindness meditation where you send love to first yourself, then someone you love, then someone you have no real feelings for or against, and, finally, you send love to someone you have an issue with, to an enemy if you have one. After that we moved into our best attempts at "one-pointed focus" by repeating a mantra over and over silently in our heads. We used the mantra om but any mantra will work. I often use mantras when meditating but only recently realized the importance of sticking to one mantra. Ramaswami pointed out the importance of trying to stay with one practice for a period of time so that the progress is evident. Discipline. It's coming slowly for me. I'm starting to understand the kind of mental discipline required to achieve meditate. The other day I only strayed from the mantra 4 times in 12 minutes. That was good for me :)

I don't know if I succeeded in "teaching" my friend to meditate. The technique that will work for me most certainly won't be the best one for you. And, moreover, there is no one "way" to meditate. Meditation is more the product of intense practice and preparation than it is simply something most of us can sit down and achieve instantly. It is the marker of our progress, an indicator that the process, that the system of yoga, is working, and that the sattvic mind is achievable. Those moments of bliss, the tiny little glimpses of samadhi, where all separation falls away, rekindles the deep knowing that is within us all. Who am I? Why am I here? I do know, during those instants, and that knowing can't really leave, no matter how my ego flares up, no matter how messed I allow my mind to periodically become. Trust in that. Develop faith in that knowing. This is my work. And as Nahko and Medicine for the People sing: "The body talks and meditation helps." Yes. It most certainly helps. Even the scientists are in agreement now ;)