I Am Powerful

I Am... Fill in the blank. These statements of claiming who and what we are. My dear beloved friend Megan did a Phoenix Rising yoga therapy session with me, to me, on me. At the end she asked that I listen to the deep wisdom within me and then to make an affirmation. And "I Am" statement. The session had been profound and filled with release and shifting energies. As I sat, listening to the guide inside, I first heard the ego saying things. Quickly and uncertainly. Then the still, steady voice rose from beneath the chatter. "I am powerful." My entire body tingles. A lump in my throat. Tears start to fall. No. Not that. I'll say anything out loud except for that. Witness that reaction! Wow. I did say it. Through tears. And Megan held safe sacred space for me. She is powerful too.

So what is this intense fear of my own power? I remember the first time I ever came across the Marianne Williamson quotation. You know the one?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 

It was my first year of treeplanting and someone had written this quotation on the outhouse wall. The red one. I think it was beautiful, powerful Kate, but I didn't know her so well yet. Only later would we begin writing the score for our amazing musical/documentary entitled Slash Dance. "Who decides, if the trees will make it through the night?" And of course, "The homosexual...dandy!" And other great song and dance numbers...it would be a fucking cult classic. We still have to make that dream a reality. But I digress.

The first time I saw that quotation, it struck me deep. It was true. It was so true for me. And inspiring. If I let my own light shine, it gives others permission to to the same. Liberation. We are all walking around, "half-dust, half-deity" (Lord Byron). Divinity in you. In me. Let your light shine. Like the kids song!

I wrote a poem. It includes a vision I had, a genetic memory, if you will. Ancestral twine, bound tight. No more fright. I am bringing it to the light. Now.

I AM Powerful

It is dark now. In here.

Damp and cold. Nothing left to fear. 

They are gone. Taken.

Leaving me in a state far beyond shaken.

I will die too. Soon.

Even sooner if I dare.

As I now endure pain beyond even the sharpest knives of despair.

I couldn't save them!

Couldn't keep them safe.

Power being that which endangered them in the first place.

Such power!

Wild and free.

Deep comprehension of the energy

That is life force. And Love.

Animating all things: below and above.

Healing. Knowing. Seeing. Feeling.

Reality revealed sends most men reeling.

Their mental belief in separation and order.

Obliterated.

Oneness. They fear.

That which they will not know.

And so:

Persecute. Rape. Torture. And death.

 And I.

I would gladly give my last breath

For 10 000 lifetimes

And even longer.

For the chance to grow my power even stronger.

Strong enough this time around

To save them all from being found

By these dangerously vacuous and hollow men

Whose logic and absolutes create dangerously armed brethren

Afraid of what can't be grasped by the mind

Of what defies being categorized into this or that kind.

The beautiful Truth?

We are all One.

If I can save myself this time...

Then my ancestral work will be done.

 

Realize the lies.

Actualize the knowing. 

Remembrance. Divine.

 

And I AM. THAT powerful.

(I'm still afraid to post this. Because, well, there is a huge part of my deeply entrenched neural pathways that believes that my power makes me unlikeable, maybe even in danger of persecution. "I don't want to be powerful. I just want you to like me." So I have been hiding a bit. Dimming my light, for you. But you still will like me...right?)

The inspiration to write this up came to me while listening to Rameen's meditation talk. It was so amazing!! Just so good. Take a listen. It'll change your life. "Your life will never be the same again." ;) You can find links to his talks and come practice live with him at The Sattva School of Yoga.

 

Art as Salvation: A poem

My goal has been to write one poem every day for 30 days. I haven't stayed on track...but I can keep going. Allow the words to keep flowing. Even after the imposed deadline. You see, we can always start over. Again and again and again...being gentle with ourselves. We are enough. Having the discipline to accept myself as I am. The discipline to achieve Self-love.

That went off topic a little. This poem is about the creative impulse, about the Shakti force that animates and colours our world with the ever-new...ever-knew? Who knew? Who knows now? Are we listening yet?

Art as Salvation 

Shower first. Stir the soup.

Sprinkles of morsel sized life sprung straight from the Earth.
Creation's unquenchable thirst
To be given birth

To nourish and simmer
So often stifled by...
How can we remember to make?

That is the question, it would seem.
As we stumble awkwardly through this dream
Called life, love, the multiverse.
The drive to create, to make new,
Allowing inspiration to move through,
Is so often denied.

Enigmatic mind-curse?

Fear? Perhaps.
But WHY do we make?
To please? For reassurance?
For money or Fame's sake?

Perhaps that is what some think.
But try, oh just try, to suppress creative freedom.
Then, do we see clearly the human condition?

We are makers, poeïsis, inventors and dreamers.
Creating works that, via our animated corpse,
Silence all the blasphemers.

As Spirit moves through us, Its eternal trace remains
In all that is written, painted or shaped.
Reality's imprint, ethereally visible to some
Vibrates upon the veil of illusion,
Ever-beckoning us to come.

Come home! Wake up!
And the more you create
The more you'll break free
From this illusory state.

False state of separation
Countries, borders, nation.

Logocentric and ludicrous!!

We truly are all One.
A multiplicity of unshakeable Unity.
And Art?
Art will be our salvation.

I love Van Gogh. And Don McLean. Double art: music and painting. Yoga is art too...yes. Even the way that the guy carrying two gallons of milk the other day smiled at me is art.
 

Write Yourself Alive: Stream of Consciousness

I am participating in this wonderful creative discipline practice called Write Yourself Alive. Today, day 7, 's writing prompt is stream of consciousness...15 minutes...ready...set...GO!!!!

Time check so at 11:03 I stop good now that the illusory time thing is taken care of what is in here in hear in my ear or between them spaces and then between that space too...ooops. Punctuation is allowed for me. Because I'm a rule breaker and a rebel and it is part of my words...how can we distinguish punctuation from words? they're all made up signs that signify nothing an everything all at the same time. Meaning. Made and unmade. For what? To know and feel safe...but what is safer than knowing. Knowing. I know nothing and between love and wisdom....that everything and nothing that we all are. Are we? At all...I mean. I am....I AM...AM I? Sure of that. That I am...how can I be the eternal unspeakable can't be named consciousness births humans like the ocean births waves. If I am a bundle of energy (I really am that) then what is the I? Is it anything at all? Everything and nothing...the problem with dualism...it negates but also doesn't, because of the in between. Between me and my thoughts...between creation and destruction...between you and me. Love. Life. It ALL happens in the in between. Maybe? Certainty scares me...absolutes dogma ideology thinking we have it all or just anything figured out. I glanced at the time....I still have 10 more minutes of this...rambling. MEditation. The guy, Tyler KNott sent a rambling mediation spoken word piece to inspire us. It was a love piece. He wrote the most beautiful and powerful words for a woman he loves. Words that I would give anything to hear directed at me...but they aren't for me. Love. I need love. BUt it is within me...can I write myself a love poem? I can. Yes...I can. And I do. So what is it about outside reassurance? about outside anything...I am enough good enough BUT I still want to fall madly wildy and deeply in love without any holding back or fear of heartbreak with all my all that I am though I only just intellectually get that I AM THAT and so are you and so is everyone so I am you and you are me and we are all wee drops in an endless evershifting sea of familiar love stories, broken hearts, archetypes and myths played over and over again the stories we tell ourselves can become our own personal freedom or our own personal hell...Hell is where I need to go if I want to let go of all these cloaks that I wear each day, keeping me safe. keepin me in. keeping me form showing the power and strength within. they'll hate me if they know what i'm capable of...but so. i don't care anymore...rhythm and power and strentgh bubbling up up up and away. it's you too. the power is you so don't be mad at me for showing it. just shine your own fucking light and quit trying to dim other peoples' we are all inherently powerful...oh! i almost deleted! edited. that would be going too far. darkness. I'm afraid that if I show you the bitter angry one then...then? then what?! stories or not, enough is enough. support each other. bolster each other. why be so selfish with all your love anyway nahko asked that. share it. spread it. like a magic penny. didn't you learn that song as a kid? hold it tight and you won't have any. lend it spend it you'll have so many. love doesn't diminish by being made known. and it can't hurt you. love doesn't hurt not ever not ever. Xavier told me that. it's true. He is true and wise and I am so blessed to be his mother. powerful deep maternal love for all the entire earth and planet and all that is on it. but this maternal love is getting more and more angry and the fire that burns within her is becoming brighter and brighter and i'm not going to quash it anymore. we all need to light up bright up wake the fuck up! mama bears everywhere for the children all the children our children all of ours the animals plants and creatures the microbes even all of it enough is enough is enough no more...ohhhhhh... this anger makes me tired. how to use it effectively? this. this is the challenge. the task. I ask only that you do your work, on yourself. I'll do mine. that I promise. time to wake up, one interconnected individual at a time!

Phewwwwww...it's 11:03...

Loving thoughts and Accepting my beautiful broken Heart

Sloan's song "I can feel it" just came on. "But you've got a thing for me. I can feel it. I can feel it. And I've got a thing for you too. You can have it." Feeling. We can feel it, even when we aren't consciously aware.

This past weekend I had the immense privilege and good fortune to learn from Suzanne Faith Slocum-Gori. Let me just say, unselfconsciously and without "complexity or pride," that I love her. In one of her workshops she illuminated the seat of the teacher, focusing on how to hold sacred space for students. And since we're all students, all teachers, her insight and wisdom is invaluable for all of life. So much invaluable knowledge was shared and I am so grateful. 

But back to "feeling it": at one point the tangibility of the energy of thoughts came forth. The energy of thought is felt. Felt by the students, felt by all of the people that one might direct thought at. Judgment. As teachers, as people, we need to take responsibility for this. When teaching, she asked that we look for what is beautiful about the student, find their strength and encourage that. Then they will also feel that beauty, that strength. Instead of looking at someone in down dog and seeing misalignment or tight hamstrings or lack of integration, find their specific strength in the pose. Maybe it could be their earnestness or the power in their legs or their core, or the flexibility of their joints. There will always be something positive in their approach to the pose, and to life. Peer out from the Self with Love first, before trying to detect possible ways of improving. Love first. Right? This is why the famous Mother Theresa quotation is so foundational: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." This applies also to the Self. To the negative self-talk that can run rampant through one's mind. Catch it! Do not engage in self-harming via your own thoughts. Being gentle and kind with myself has been and continues to be a challenging lesson to fully integrate. I am enough. I am enough. One more time: I am enough. For me!

Acceptance of all of me. As Suzanne led a practice at the Sattva School of Yoga this past Monday she began by explaining how she had felt a yearning to call in Courage and Strength. The light of awakening is at hand...at mind? at heart? at soul? Shreem! We chanted an invocation to the Divine Mother in her many aspects. "He maha Lakshmi, He mata Kali, He Saraswati, Jagatombe jai jai Ma, He ma Durga, He ma Durga..." In my own practice honouring and praising the Divine Feminine has recently become intuitively necessary. I guess I could say, I have had and continue to have a deep yearning to chant and give thanks to the Divine Mother. I've been chanting the following, and, having only read the words, the rhythm comes from within me: " OM Jayanti Mangala Kali Bhadra-Kali Kapalini Durga Shiva Ksama Dhatri Svaha Svadha Namo'Stu Te." So powerful, these Sanskrit words vibrating through my entire being. Kali Ma!

Back to the practice, leading up to the revelation, the mini-epiphany. Sweat dripped off of me, I found myself in a pose I had never managed before (visvamistrasana variation), as a deep fire burned through some of my samskaras (I hope!). And then, during the meditation this liberating acceptance and Truth came to me: "I accept my broken heart. I accept my broken heart. I accept my broken heart." Over and over. There was no me, no space, nothing tangible surrounding my body; simply light and love. I don't only accept my broken heart, I LOVE it. It makes me who I am, it brings the depth and understanding that I have gained through life experience, through past life experience, and provides the sweetest compassion along with the fiercest love and protection. Blessed. I am so incredibly grateful for this path that unfolds, for my journey into Being.

I accept my broken heart

I accept my broken heart

I love it

Thank God for the pain

The experience

The depth.

Yes! Blessed

To feel. To reveal.

Nothing wrong. Nothing right.

Acceptance that dissolves fright

Shifting from darkness to light.

Ephemeral beauty.

Spiritual duty.

Dancing. Keep dancing. Ever chancing.

Emptiness vibrating.

Nothing in Every-thing.

To be or to not? Impossible quandary.

Allow. Let go. Let grow.

The river will unstoppably flow.

Evolve.

Is-ness. Unmasked. 

And here is David Newman chanting to the Divine Mother.

Love Embodied: Blessing? Or Curse?

Of late, the notion of divine Love has been at the forefront of my contemplation. Understanding love...can we? Maybe we can over-stand it. Maybe love cannot be said. And, for those of us who find ourselves on the arduous and wildly transformative spiritual journey, seeking God's Love, (though we know it is already and always a part of us, is contained within and without us), for us, does human embodied Love support or hinder the journey towards Self-realization? These questions are meaningless and yet indicate the mistake, the human error. What is love? Where is it? Why is it? Divine Love?

I had the immense pleasure and opportunity to write a paper last year in my comparative literature class that does not fit into the usual mold of academic paper writing. Therein, Shakespeare, Rumi, John Donne, Hildegard of Bingen and St. Augustine, all conversing in the Akashic field, examine Plato's Symposium in an attempt to decide whether or not it displays an adequate understanding of the nature of Love. It was fun. If you you were interested in reading it, do let me know! I'd me more than happy to e-mail you a PDF. Keats makes an appearance at the end! "Beauty is Truth."

This morning I found myself heading down a nostalgic deep road of Bon Jovi. He has a beautiful rendition of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" that I had never heard before. The line, "And remember when I moved in you? And the holy dove was moving too. And every breath we drew was Hallelujah." Like that, earthly love becomes momentarily divine. And those moments, so powerful, though fleeting, are difficult to let go of. Moments of rapture on the way to realizing eternal and unwavering bliss. Do they detract? Distract? Create addictive like behaviour? They certainly can. Yes. But they also bring forth knowing that there is a greater Love, a constant and ever-present Love. Breaking down the barriers that we've created against it. And in my Bon Jovi marathon, a line from "Bed of Roses" resonated: "I wanna be just as close as, the Holy Ghost is...and lay you down. In a bed of roses." Humans seeking divine union. A curse? A blessing? This depends on the clarity of purpose held by each Soul, I suppose...

Unending Love

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it’s age old pain,
It’s ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star, piercing the darkness of time.
You become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers,
Shared in the same shy sweetness of meeting,
the distressful tears of farewell,
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours -
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

― Rabindranath Tagore, Selected Poems

With Love; Blessings for 2015

With Love

"Whatever you do, do it from a space of love."
He said that. To me.
Wisdom.

Did I understand then? Not quite.

From love. The heart.
From that part
Inside that IS the whole.
Soul.

Beauty and Bliss.
From this,

From this place, I can do no harm.
Can cause no pain.

Act. With Love.
Think. With Love.
Be. With Love.

Only Love. Is Real.
Feel.

Feel deep. Go there.
Finding the courage to face yourself.
And to stay.

This.
Is Love.

All that we do, and all that we seek,
Guided or misguided,
Is because of Love–
Love of Self.

Self-Love!
Fill up. Overflow!
Let it flow.
Let it grow.
And know, that there is really nothing to know.
So let go.
Gentle softening. Surrender.
So tender. The mender, of hearts.


With Love.
Eternal.

A passage from Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj in I AM THAT:

"That which you are, your true self, you love it, and whatever you do, you do for your own happiness. To find it, to know it, to cherish it is your basic urge. Since time immemorial you loved yourself, but never wisely. Use your body and mind wisely in the service of the self; that is all. Be true to your own self; love your self absolutely. Do not pretend to love others as yourself. Unless you have realized them as one with yourself, you cannot love them. Don't pretend to be what you are not; don't refuse to be what you are. Your love of other is the result of self-knowledge, not its cause. Without self-realization, no virtue is genuine. When you know beyond all doubting that the same life flows through all that is and you are that life, you will love all naturally and spontaneously. When you realize the depth and fullness of your love of yourself, you know that every living being and the entire universe are included in your affection. But when you look at anything as separate from you, you cannot love it because you are afraid of it. Alienation causes fear and fear deepens alienation. It is a vicious circle. Only self-realization can break it. Go for it resolutely." (187)

 

Love Evolving

There was this little video on facebook the other day. It had something to do with "real love" versus "ego love." It was a nice reminder. Wanting the people you love to be happy, regardless of whether or not that means you are significantly part of their lives. Apparently, according to a yoga healer guy, the Maori culture views love as the space between two people. I dig it. I said something like that myself, after contemplating Marc Chagall's paintings. To quote myself (haha):

"Love is the existence of the ephemeral balance of sun and moon energy, of reason and intuition, of the head and of the heart. It is the point just there, in the in-between, where dualism and dichotomy can no longer exist, and where creation and destruction appear as simultaneously inevitable aspects of being."

But I haven't always had these ideas about love. Check out this heart-broken, Princess Buttercup in her rocking chair breathing the words "I will never love again," poem I wrote after my wild and passionate love affair with a dive instructor from New Zealand. Aroha Nui Dear Tony ;)

But lately. Unconditional ego-less love has been something I've understood and felt. Admittedly, I forget once in awhile. But still. Love liberates. Love transforms. And ultimately, though it can really fucking burn: LOVE HEALS.

Red flame of love. 

Lick me clean with your many tongues. 

Fire. 

Purifying. 

Dull metals littered with the dust and debris of Time Form anew. 

Pure. 

And strong. 

 Love grows when. 

Without will or purpose. 

Grows as it feeds on the knowing, that only IT possesses. 

Certainty that is lost in the mind-trap of language-thoughts. 

The heart. 

The you. The me. The in between. 

In that space. 

Infinite. Infinity. 

Expansive transformation. 

Love. She liberates. 

Everything else arriving disguised in Love's clothing: 

The pain. The hurt. The longing. 

All ego. Le moi-superficiel. Ahamkara. 

 And the deeper Self? Le moi-fondamental? Purusha? 

Peace. Love. Knowing. 

Always et pour toujours.